Hello internet. Long time no post.
I have a career update, and this is where I've been logging the progress, so here goes.
Almost two years ago, I took an okay job that was below my skill level, but a good area of work. Through that time, I have managed to prove myself. My job title has therefore been upgraded to scientist. I'm at the junior scientist level, but scientist all the same.
It's good. I'm happy with it. My responsibilities are creeping up to be more substantial and more fitting with what I can really do.
My workload is also creeping up, and with it my stress level.
Now I find myself thinking about balance again. I love the new responsibilities and the new trust that's being placed in me. I can manage what I have now, and I still feel I can grow as a scientist and contribute even more. But I look and the schedules and workloads of my senior scientists and i know I don't want that.
Can one grow as a scientist and make substantial contributions, but still have a life? Still go home art 5:00, or at least 6:00, and not work weekends? I'm mostly doing that now, but I'm pushing up to my upper limit. Can I maintain this while still growing?
That is the question I'm pondering. Still though, good things.
I'm a scientist in an academic position and I came in but the back door, being under employed, proving my worth, and creeping up in the ranks. I'm a scientist, but junior status, so I don't have the pressure to bring in double my salary in grants. If I do so, great, but I don't have to. That feels like the kind of compromise that's almost a perfect world for me.
Can I maintain it? Will my own internal drive push me so far that I outgrow it? Will the institution eventually push me further? How do I grow as a scientist without losing the comforts of work life balance?
Another incoherent post, but writing on a phone is harder to edit.....
Thanks for the space, dear internet.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Career progress update
I talked a lot here about the various directions I've chosen to take in my career, and finally setting a year ago on a job that was so-so, in my general field but not directly, with low status, but at least I get to do basically what I do.
I figured it's time for the one-year update.
I've plugged along in the year doing a lot of administrative work that's pretty so-so and below what I can do, but at times along the way I've had the opportunity to do my thing. I've been able to work on some papers, and writing is what I love to do. I haven't had much opportunity to write, but the little bit I've done has wowed them. And apparently my administration has left them pretty happy too.
Now? They're talking promotion. It's a big institution so it'll take a while to come down the pipeline, but they've recognized that I really am an academic, I really am a scientist behind the administrator, and they can use me in a better way.
They're looking at a status professor appointment with no teaching responsibilities - great! They're looking at how to get me a scientist role of some sort - even better!
It's not exactly my field and a year later I'm still crippled by not knowing the literature, but now I need to take responsibility for that and find a way to get up on the literature, even if it's after hours. I'll monitor this closely and make sure I'm not working myself into burnout, but I do want to put a little effort into the lit so that I can eventually call this area of work mine. Somehow it doesn't fire me up as much as my original area, but I can find nuggets of coolness in it that can spur me on.
So, patience is the lesson. Take an opportunity that's almost good enough, do my thing, show them what I can do, and more opportunities will grow. At least, so they claim. I am hopeful that it will actually happen.
I figured it's time for the one-year update.
I've plugged along in the year doing a lot of administrative work that's pretty so-so and below what I can do, but at times along the way I've had the opportunity to do my thing. I've been able to work on some papers, and writing is what I love to do. I haven't had much opportunity to write, but the little bit I've done has wowed them. And apparently my administration has left them pretty happy too.
Now? They're talking promotion. It's a big institution so it'll take a while to come down the pipeline, but they've recognized that I really am an academic, I really am a scientist behind the administrator, and they can use me in a better way.
They're looking at a status professor appointment with no teaching responsibilities - great! They're looking at how to get me a scientist role of some sort - even better!
It's not exactly my field and a year later I'm still crippled by not knowing the literature, but now I need to take responsibility for that and find a way to get up on the literature, even if it's after hours. I'll monitor this closely and make sure I'm not working myself into burnout, but I do want to put a little effort into the lit so that I can eventually call this area of work mine. Somehow it doesn't fire me up as much as my original area, but I can find nuggets of coolness in it that can spur me on.
So, patience is the lesson. Take an opportunity that's almost good enough, do my thing, show them what I can do, and more opportunities will grow. At least, so they claim. I am hopeful that it will actually happen.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Relationship blues & alcoholism
This blog has been all about job talk, so I feel odd changing the channel. But here it is.
I've been in a relationship for over a year now. It's a good one. It helps confirm that leaving two-bit-town academia was the right thing to do. I'm better with him than I am without him.
But.
Why is there always a but?
He's an alcoholic.
I've googled this to death and I can see no good resolution. I want to find some iota of advice online that tells me how to stick with it, how to keep the good without drowning in the bad. I can't find any. Everything I read tells me to run for the hills.
Alcoholism is only one thing about him. There are so many more things. He's sweet, he's kind, he's loving, he's smart. He's a great companion. He makes me happy.
Except when I wake up in the morning to find him drinking and drunk. That's not okay. I can't handle that.
Is it a deal breaker? Part of me says yes. Part of me says no -- or wants to say no. A big part of me wants to figure out how I can learn to roll with it so it doesn't kill us. That part is putting the guilt on me for not dealing with it well -- and I know that guilt is classic in alcoholic relationships. I don't deserve that guilt.
But if it's what I have to live with to be with him?
I'm not a teatotaler. I drink. I drink more than I should. I drink WAY less than him. Guilt also comes in there though. I drink, so who am I to say he shouldn't. I drink with him. I drink more than I should. I sometimes get tipsy. I have fun with him when we're both drinking. But then I stop drinking. He keeps going (and going, and going). I feel guilty for drinking with him. I feel guilty for not being understanding enough. I feel guilty for not being good enough. I feel sad that I'm not more important to him than the booze. I feel angry that he won't do anything about it.
I want this to work out. We've got such a good thing going. Alcohol is the ONLY thing coming between us. Other than that, we're great together. We get each other. We belong together.
...but I CAN'T deal with him drunk in the morning.
What do I do, dear internet?
I've been in a relationship for over a year now. It's a good one. It helps confirm that leaving two-bit-town academia was the right thing to do. I'm better with him than I am without him.
But.
Why is there always a but?
He's an alcoholic.
I've googled this to death and I can see no good resolution. I want to find some iota of advice online that tells me how to stick with it, how to keep the good without drowning in the bad. I can't find any. Everything I read tells me to run for the hills.
Alcoholism is only one thing about him. There are so many more things. He's sweet, he's kind, he's loving, he's smart. He's a great companion. He makes me happy.
Except when I wake up in the morning to find him drinking and drunk. That's not okay. I can't handle that.
Is it a deal breaker? Part of me says yes. Part of me says no -- or wants to say no. A big part of me wants to figure out how I can learn to roll with it so it doesn't kill us. That part is putting the guilt on me for not dealing with it well -- and I know that guilt is classic in alcoholic relationships. I don't deserve that guilt.
But if it's what I have to live with to be with him?
I'm not a teatotaler. I drink. I drink more than I should. I drink WAY less than him. Guilt also comes in there though. I drink, so who am I to say he shouldn't. I drink with him. I drink more than I should. I sometimes get tipsy. I have fun with him when we're both drinking. But then I stop drinking. He keeps going (and going, and going). I feel guilty for drinking with him. I feel guilty for not being understanding enough. I feel guilty for not being good enough. I feel sad that I'm not more important to him than the booze. I feel angry that he won't do anything about it.
I want this to work out. We've got such a good thing going. Alcohol is the ONLY thing coming between us. Other than that, we're great together. We get each other. We belong together.
...but I CAN'T deal with him drunk in the morning.
What do I do, dear internet?
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Settling into another new job
So, I took the second-best job that was offered, relinquishing my interview for the full scientist job. It was tough, but I had to take what was offered rather than take my chances and end up unemployed even longer.
How's it going? Okay.
It's more administrative than I would have wished. I don't get any Ph.D. cred. I feel like a bit of a secretary. But the team is going to learn that I actually am a researcher, as I continue to contribute all that I can.
I've been watching the PIs on the project. At times I'm annoyed to be working with them in a lowly Coordinator position, without the cred, when I could do the work they're doing. But then I see how stressed they are. They're overbooked, overworked, overstressed, with so many competing priorities that they can't do what they're doing the way they should.
Part of me wants to keep looking for the full-fledged researcher position. They are very few and far between, but there could be one posted eventually. It's what I should be doing, right? And I would get more respect, right?
I'm just not that much of an A-type personality though. Maybe I'm okay in this lowly position. I get to work from 9 to 5 and leave at the end of the day. I get to work on a project that is good work, if not my "baby." I get to contribute researchy stuff when I can, but there's not really all that much pressure to be smart. I get a reasonable salary with reasonable work conditions and not very much responsibility.
Opting out? Definitely. Right for me? Maybe. Just maybe. If only I can get over feeling like I'm not respected for the researcher that I am.... that I'm maybe choosing not to be.
How's it going? Okay.
It's more administrative than I would have wished. I don't get any Ph.D. cred. I feel like a bit of a secretary. But the team is going to learn that I actually am a researcher, as I continue to contribute all that I can.
I've been watching the PIs on the project. At times I'm annoyed to be working with them in a lowly Coordinator position, without the cred, when I could do the work they're doing. But then I see how stressed they are. They're overbooked, overworked, overstressed, with so many competing priorities that they can't do what they're doing the way they should.
Part of me wants to keep looking for the full-fledged researcher position. They are very few and far between, but there could be one posted eventually. It's what I should be doing, right? And I would get more respect, right?
I'm just not that much of an A-type personality though. Maybe I'm okay in this lowly position. I get to work from 9 to 5 and leave at the end of the day. I get to work on a project that is good work, if not my "baby." I get to contribute researchy stuff when I can, but there's not really all that much pressure to be smart. I get a reasonable salary with reasonable work conditions and not very much responsibility.
Opting out? Definitely. Right for me? Maybe. Just maybe. If only I can get over feeling like I'm not respected for the researcher that I am.... that I'm maybe choosing not to be.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
A job offer!
I just got a tentative offer (awaiting references) for a research coordinator position at a hospital I really want to work at. It's probably more administrative than what I want, but it's something, and it's in the right field. Very exciting!
But there's a catch. I also have an interview a week and a half away for a more senior Project Scientist position at the same institution. This second job would be far better for my c.v., for sure, and probably more stimulating as it's more senior. The problem is the interview is a week and a half away and I'm sitting on the first offer now. Plus, according to this hospital's policy, if you're in a contract at the organization, you're not eligible to apply for other positions at the same organization unless you're at the end of your contract. So, if I accept job #1, I'm out of the running for job #2. Dammit.
I know a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It's so hard to take my name out of the running for the Project Scientist position though!! Bad timing, very bad timing indeed.
But there's a catch. I also have an interview a week and a half away for a more senior Project Scientist position at the same institution. This second job would be far better for my c.v., for sure, and probably more stimulating as it's more senior. The problem is the interview is a week and a half away and I'm sitting on the first offer now. Plus, according to this hospital's policy, if you're in a contract at the organization, you're not eligible to apply for other positions at the same organization unless you're at the end of your contract. So, if I accept job #1, I'm out of the running for job #2. Dammit.
I know a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It's so hard to take my name out of the running for the Project Scientist position though!! Bad timing, very bad timing indeed.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Job search: The continuing saga
So, I was offered a single course to teach locally. These things are pretty hard to get, but I turned it down. I don't know if this was the right decision, but a one-day commitment could prevent me from getting a full time job.
I've interviewed for a job I don't want. I think my odds of getting an offer are good, but I'd rather not get this offer. If I get it, I'll probably take it, as it'll pay the rent. Maybe, though, I should be holding off and waiting for something to come up in my area? Eventually it'll happen. How long can I handle unemployment?
Unemployment is going much better this time around than it did last time. I'm actually enjoying my time off, even if my bank account is not. So, maybe I should just go with that and hold out for a job in my field. I don't know.
I'm doing a very small amount of consulting work. I nearly turned that down too, but decided to do it to keep busy. It's far from ideal, but I guess it's something for my c.v.
I've been blogging about the job search for such a terribly long time now. I feel like I know what I want, but it just doesn't seem to exist. I'm getting bored of reading my own rambles about it. I have nothing else to say..........
I've interviewed for a job I don't want. I think my odds of getting an offer are good, but I'd rather not get this offer. If I get it, I'll probably take it, as it'll pay the rent. Maybe, though, I should be holding off and waiting for something to come up in my area? Eventually it'll happen. How long can I handle unemployment?
Unemployment is going much better this time around than it did last time. I'm actually enjoying my time off, even if my bank account is not. So, maybe I should just go with that and hold out for a job in my field. I don't know.
I'm doing a very small amount of consulting work. I nearly turned that down too, but decided to do it to keep busy. It's far from ideal, but I guess it's something for my c.v.
I've been blogging about the job search for such a terribly long time now. I feel like I know what I want, but it just doesn't seem to exist. I'm getting bored of reading my own rambles about it. I have nothing else to say..........
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Perplexed in the Job Search
This job search has got me confused.
I'm looking for a full-time job in a subject matter reasonably associated with my background, with reasonable work conditions, and with a reasonable salary. Seems, well, reasonable, no?
I am *this* close to a formal offer of a single course instruction at a local academic institution. This would be back in academia. I have no problem with being back in academia, but the prospects of a full-time job in this city are negligible. This course, well, it would be good for my ongoing cv development if academia is the way I want to go.
As a single course, though, it's not enough to pay the rent, and the one-day obligation could prevent me from getting a full-time job. And, would it really help me break into the academic jobs in this city? One course? I don't know. Am I willing to work in academia for basically minimum wage (considering the part-time status) for the years it would take to maybe get a full-time gig? No.
So what do I do? Do I take this course, since it's better than nothing? Is it really better than nothing if it prevents me from getting a full-time job? Do I piss off the institution by pulling out after getting the offer? Is this course even what I really want?
Why is it so hard to find a reasonable job with a Ph.D.?
I'm looking for a full-time job in a subject matter reasonably associated with my background, with reasonable work conditions, and with a reasonable salary. Seems, well, reasonable, no?
I am *this* close to a formal offer of a single course instruction at a local academic institution. This would be back in academia. I have no problem with being back in academia, but the prospects of a full-time job in this city are negligible. This course, well, it would be good for my ongoing cv development if academia is the way I want to go.
As a single course, though, it's not enough to pay the rent, and the one-day obligation could prevent me from getting a full-time job. And, would it really help me break into the academic jobs in this city? One course? I don't know. Am I willing to work in academia for basically minimum wage (considering the part-time status) for the years it would take to maybe get a full-time gig? No.
So what do I do? Do I take this course, since it's better than nothing? Is it really better than nothing if it prevents me from getting a full-time job? Do I piss off the institution by pulling out after getting the offer? Is this course even what I really want?
Why is it so hard to find a reasonable job with a Ph.D.?
Monday, June 22, 2015
Scientific integrity
Throughout our time in academia, isn't scientific integrity one of the key things we learn? Behind the facts and the theories and the procedures, isn't scientific integrity one of the major underlying lessons?
I just lost a job as a researcher in industry because I wouldn't compromise my scientific integrity. That last job of the many jobs I've posted about. The one where they poached me from an okay-but-imperfect job, because they were so impressed by my statistical analysis skills.
I walked in there and did my nerdy little thing, analyzing data the only way I know how, with statistical methods. The results were really, really bad -- bad enough to crush the company. I presented my findings scientifically and objectively, but apparently I scared them and they didn't want to let me get my hands on one more dataset. So, they let me go.
Here I am, a full year after leaving academia, and unemployed again. Making a go of it outside of academia has proven to be really, really hard.
I don't regret analyzing the data the only way I know how. To produce results that would support that company would require turning my back on science and quite literally fudging the results. It would mean screwing the companies that come to this firm for help. The firm has other Ph.D.s who are either lacking the skills to find what I easily did, or lacking the scientific integrity to say it like it is.
I don't regret presenting the numbers as they are, but what's next for me now?
Academic positions are near impossible to get if you want to be in the city you're in, and I do want to be in this city. Industry jobs -- do they all require sacrificing your integrity? It has been suggested to me that this is par for the course. So, maybe industry is out.
So where does that leave me? I could scrub my resume clean of the last decade of my life and pretend I was off work raising my children (I don't have any), and maybe get a job making coffees. Okay, so maybe I'm catastrophizing a bit, but just a bit. After the rollercoaster of a year, I truly don't know what's next for me. Is there no way to maintain my integrity, use my skills, and be gainfully employed?
I just lost a job as a researcher in industry because I wouldn't compromise my scientific integrity. That last job of the many jobs I've posted about. The one where they poached me from an okay-but-imperfect job, because they were so impressed by my statistical analysis skills.
I walked in there and did my nerdy little thing, analyzing data the only way I know how, with statistical methods. The results were really, really bad -- bad enough to crush the company. I presented my findings scientifically and objectively, but apparently I scared them and they didn't want to let me get my hands on one more dataset. So, they let me go.
Here I am, a full year after leaving academia, and unemployed again. Making a go of it outside of academia has proven to be really, really hard.
I don't regret analyzing the data the only way I know how. To produce results that would support that company would require turning my back on science and quite literally fudging the results. It would mean screwing the companies that come to this firm for help. The firm has other Ph.D.s who are either lacking the skills to find what I easily did, or lacking the scientific integrity to say it like it is.
I don't regret presenting the numbers as they are, but what's next for me now?
Academic positions are near impossible to get if you want to be in the city you're in, and I do want to be in this city. Industry jobs -- do they all require sacrificing your integrity? It has been suggested to me that this is par for the course. So, maybe industry is out.
So where does that leave me? I could scrub my resume clean of the last decade of my life and pretend I was off work raising my children (I don't have any), and maybe get a job making coffees. Okay, so maybe I'm catastrophizing a bit, but just a bit. After the rollercoaster of a year, I truly don't know what's next for me. Is there no way to maintain my integrity, use my skills, and be gainfully employed?
Thursday, April 30, 2015
And yet another new job
Here we go again!
That job I had been idealizing for a year? Turned out it was not all that. It was very junior, menial, boring. I've gotta say, it doesn't compare to the freedom of academia. Not that I needed the full freedom, but going back to not being able to make decisions, deferring to a boss, who defers to a boss, who defers to a boss to make decisions that I'm capable of making myself... Yeah.
I got a surprise though.
There was a job I applied for nearly a year ago that I didn't get because they chose someone more junior for the position. They would "keep my file on hand" they said. They always say that.
But they did.
A few weeks ago, I got a call from them out of the blue inviting me for an interview for a more senior position. I wasn't looking for a new job. I was really trying to make a go of this one. Since I'm so underwhelmed though, I decided to follow the process through to the offer, if there was one, just to see.
It turns out I got the offer. And I accepted it.
This job is not directly in my field, but it's close, it's research, and it seems to come with a lot more independence than the "dream" job that isn't. It also comes with a nice chunk more money. I'm not in it all for the money, but they made me an offer I just couldn't refuse.
So, here we go again. All I really want is a stable, reasonably interesting job with a salary that's reasonable for the training I have. This might be it. I have some qualms about it, as it's not quite my niche, but it's not a lifelong commitment and I'm giving it a shot.
I think I've given up on the whole "dream job" idea. Academia directed me into such a narrow niche that jobs just don't exist. This is a danger of following your interests to the fine point of specialization in academia.
Professional life after academia has proven to be tricky. I have no regrets of giving up my professor position though. Moving back "home" was something I needed to do. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my city for a professor job. I think I am willing to sacrifice my niche, at least for now.
Maybe I'm settling, but I'm settling for a little more this time, I hope. I've had excellent developments in my personal life, and that was part of the plan, too. There's more to life than work now. I'm not living for work anymore. At the moment, I'm living for the weekends, which isn't good either. Can I strike a balance between the two with this new job?
I can't believe I'm giving notice again. This time, I'm cautiously optimistic that it'll be good enough.
That job I had been idealizing for a year? Turned out it was not all that. It was very junior, menial, boring. I've gotta say, it doesn't compare to the freedom of academia. Not that I needed the full freedom, but going back to not being able to make decisions, deferring to a boss, who defers to a boss, who defers to a boss to make decisions that I'm capable of making myself... Yeah.
I got a surprise though.
There was a job I applied for nearly a year ago that I didn't get because they chose someone more junior for the position. They would "keep my file on hand" they said. They always say that.
But they did.
A few weeks ago, I got a call from them out of the blue inviting me for an interview for a more senior position. I wasn't looking for a new job. I was really trying to make a go of this one. Since I'm so underwhelmed though, I decided to follow the process through to the offer, if there was one, just to see.
It turns out I got the offer. And I accepted it.
This job is not directly in my field, but it's close, it's research, and it seems to come with a lot more independence than the "dream" job that isn't. It also comes with a nice chunk more money. I'm not in it all for the money, but they made me an offer I just couldn't refuse.
So, here we go again. All I really want is a stable, reasonably interesting job with a salary that's reasonable for the training I have. This might be it. I have some qualms about it, as it's not quite my niche, but it's not a lifelong commitment and I'm giving it a shot.
I think I've given up on the whole "dream job" idea. Academia directed me into such a narrow niche that jobs just don't exist. This is a danger of following your interests to the fine point of specialization in academia.
Professional life after academia has proven to be tricky. I have no regrets of giving up my professor position though. Moving back "home" was something I needed to do. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my city for a professor job. I think I am willing to sacrifice my niche, at least for now.
Maybe I'm settling, but I'm settling for a little more this time, I hope. I've had excellent developments in my personal life, and that was part of the plan, too. There's more to life than work now. I'm not living for work anymore. At the moment, I'm living for the weekends, which isn't good either. Can I strike a balance between the two with this new job?
I can't believe I'm giving notice again. This time, I'm cautiously optimistic that it'll be good enough.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
A(nother) New Job - The Job
So, I got the job. Or a version of it. I didn't get the continuing position that was posted, but I got a contract position. I was rated number 2? Okay, not ideal, but I'm taking it.
Tomorrow I give notice at my current job, where I've been working for less than three months, a month of which I was away. She is not going to be happy. But the job is a disaster, so you do what you have to do. Wish me luck, dear internet. I'll be trying to be nice and not burn bridges, but sometimes it's hard.
The new job? I start it in the new year. It'll be my sixth new job in the last three years. For someone who has been looking so hard for stability in life, I've sure moved around a lot.
I'm excited about the potential in this job. I will learn a lot. I will learn more there than I did in post-doc. I will get my career on the right path. And it's what I need to buy my condo.
I'm nervous about the job because I spent too long idealizing it and, let's face it, any job sucks at times. I'm also nervous because I've had a rough, rough fall and I hope I'm up to it. And because I'm rusty on the work I'll be doing and I hope I'll do okay. And because I have to do better than okay or the contract will expire and I'll be without a job.
This is good news. Stressful, of course, but very, very good news. I am hopeful.
In the meantime, there's the holidays, in the sunny south.
all the while I'm wondering, what will the new year bring?
Tomorrow I give notice at my current job, where I've been working for less than three months, a month of which I was away. She is not going to be happy. But the job is a disaster, so you do what you have to do. Wish me luck, dear internet. I'll be trying to be nice and not burn bridges, but sometimes it's hard.
The new job? I start it in the new year. It'll be my sixth new job in the last three years. For someone who has been looking so hard for stability in life, I've sure moved around a lot.
I'm excited about the potential in this job. I will learn a lot. I will learn more there than I did in post-doc. I will get my career on the right path. And it's what I need to buy my condo.
I'm nervous about the job because I spent too long idealizing it and, let's face it, any job sucks at times. I'm also nervous because I've had a rough, rough fall and I hope I'm up to it. And because I'm rusty on the work I'll be doing and I hope I'll do okay. And because I have to do better than okay or the contract will expire and I'll be without a job.
This is good news. Stressful, of course, but very, very good news. I am hopeful.
In the meantime, there's the holidays, in the sunny south.
all the while I'm wondering, what will the new year bring?
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
The job
Remember the job I didn't get a year and a half ago and I've kept talking about ever since? I talked about it here, and here, and a few other places too.
It's the job I nearly got just before getting the professor position. It's the job I've been thinking about ever since. It's the job that gave me (arrogant) confidence when I decided to leave the professor position. It's the only job that I feel really fits my profile. It's the job I really wanted when I settled for the messy one I'm doing now. It's obscure and they have few competitors, none locally in the city I chose.
Tomorrow morning, I have an interview for exactly that job.
Wish me luck, dear internet.
It's the job I nearly got just before getting the professor position. It's the job I've been thinking about ever since. It's the job that gave me (arrogant) confidence when I decided to leave the professor position. It's the only job that I feel really fits my profile. It's the job I really wanted when I settled for the messy one I'm doing now. It's obscure and they have few competitors, none locally in the city I chose.
Tomorrow morning, I have an interview for exactly that job.
Wish me luck, dear internet.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Post-academic crash
I dunno. Did I make the right decision? Shitville was not the place for me. But could I have made it work? Or was I headed down this same path regardless of The Decision.
This blog is still super-anonymous, right? Can I say this stuff here? The two or three real-life people who know who I am (*wave*)... they're okay. I think they all are. Have I shared this with anyone who's not safe? This post might not stay up for long.
So, post-academic crash. That's what I'm in.
A year in review? I was "miserable" in shitville, but I was working, I was engaged, I was busy, I was functional. I made that gut-wrenching decision to move back to sparkling-shiny-city-I-love, and I was on the top of the world. For three weeks. Then I crashed.
No job. No prospects. No life.
Then came the job I got. It's a job. It pays the bills, when I go to it. I'm over-educated and under-qualified. Before taking the job, I believed in what they did. Now that I've seen the inside workings of this organization, I'm aghast that they get the public funding that they do. They don't deserve it. It's a fucking train wreck.
So, what did this job do to my post-academic crash? It sent me spinning out of control.
***edited out***
That, my friend(s), is what happened when I left academia.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I have absolutely, positively no fucking clue where I'm headed from here.
Who am I kidding? Academia was all I had in my life that worked. And I left it. So here I am, a non-academic, and the bottom has dropped out of my world.
This blog is still super-anonymous, right? Can I say this stuff here? The two or three real-life people who know who I am (*wave*)... they're okay. I think they all are. Have I shared this with anyone who's not safe? This post might not stay up for long.
So, post-academic crash. That's what I'm in.
A year in review? I was "miserable" in shitville, but I was working, I was engaged, I was busy, I was functional. I made that gut-wrenching decision to move back to sparkling-shiny-city-I-love, and I was on the top of the world. For three weeks. Then I crashed.
No job. No prospects. No life.
Then came the job I got. It's a job. It pays the bills, when I go to it. I'm over-educated and under-qualified. Before taking the job, I believed in what they did. Now that I've seen the inside workings of this organization, I'm aghast that they get the public funding that they do. They don't deserve it. It's a fucking train wreck.
So, what did this job do to my post-academic crash? It sent me spinning out of control.
***edited out***
That, my friend(s), is what happened when I left academia.
I don't know where I'm going from here. I have absolutely, positively no fucking clue where I'm headed from here.
Who am I kidding? Academia was all I had in my life that worked. And I left it. So here I am, a non-academic, and the bottom has dropped out of my world.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I have a job.
I have a job and I start tomorrow.
It's not my dream job, but it's a job, and it's in my academic area, if not my skill set.
Honestly, I'm over-educated and underqualified for this job. I don't have the experience required to do some of the tasks -- a LOT of the tasks, I fear, and my research skills will not be utilized. God, am I going to miss research.
It's something, though. It's something to try. It can help me gain experience in something that's more marketable than the academic stuff. And, who knows, maybe I'll like it.
My goal when I quit my adjunct position was to move home (check), get a job (check), buy a condo, and develop a life outside of work. It hasn't been the easiest road in the past few months, but objectively speaking, I am on track.
And the adventure continues....
It's not my dream job, but it's a job, and it's in my academic area, if not my skill set.
Honestly, I'm over-educated and underqualified for this job. I don't have the experience required to do some of the tasks -- a LOT of the tasks, I fear, and my research skills will not be utilized. God, am I going to miss research.
It's something, though. It's something to try. It can help me gain experience in something that's more marketable than the academic stuff. And, who knows, maybe I'll like it.
My goal when I quit my adjunct position was to move home (check), get a job (check), buy a condo, and develop a life outside of work. It hasn't been the easiest road in the past few months, but objectively speaking, I am on track.
And the adventure continues....
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Back to school... without me
So, it's back-to-school season, y'all. This week I would be presenting my syllabi, meeting my students, dressing up and going to work like a real professional, bitching with the profs in the lounge...
Instead, I sit on my sofa and watch the world go by, working piece-meal freelance jobs for total crap pay.
Do I love the city? Yes.
Do I love my current situation? Hell no.
Did I do the right thing? I hope so.
It's hard. There are NO jobs out there for academics. Within academia or without. I don't even get interviews. My skills are not marketable. I've been completely ignored by that company I was counting on, despite a couple of interesting job postings. I've been ignored about other really interesting jobs I would have been happy to do, but that request someone with a master's. I've been ignored by so many companies that it's feeling pointless to even apply.
So I sit on my sofa.
I hated that two-bit town. I had to leave it. I didn't love the job. So what does it all mean?
Was I wrong to quit and move back? No, that can't be it. The mistake must have been earlier. Doing the Ph.D.... an unemployable Ph.D. Think before you jump. Make sure your Ph.D. is a marketable one. Don't assume you'll be employable because you're educated and good at what you do. The jobs have to be out there.
Too late for me...
Something will come through, eventually. My expectations are changing. I just want something with a decent salary. It doesn't have to be meaningful work in my field (*sigh*). I just need to start getting by...
Instead, I sit on my sofa and watch the world go by, working piece-meal freelance jobs for total crap pay.
Do I love the city? Yes.
Do I love my current situation? Hell no.
Did I do the right thing? I hope so.
It's hard. There are NO jobs out there for academics. Within academia or without. I don't even get interviews. My skills are not marketable. I've been completely ignored by that company I was counting on, despite a couple of interesting job postings. I've been ignored about other really interesting jobs I would have been happy to do, but that request someone with a master's. I've been ignored by so many companies that it's feeling pointless to even apply.
So I sit on my sofa.
I hated that two-bit town. I had to leave it. I didn't love the job. So what does it all mean?
Was I wrong to quit and move back? No, that can't be it. The mistake must have been earlier. Doing the Ph.D.... an unemployable Ph.D. Think before you jump. Make sure your Ph.D. is a marketable one. Don't assume you'll be employable because you're educated and good at what you do. The jobs have to be out there.
Too late for me...
Something will come through, eventually. My expectations are changing. I just want something with a decent salary. It doesn't have to be meaningful work in my field (*sigh*). I just need to start getting by...
Saturday, July 12, 2014
So, here I am...
So, here I am. I quit academia. I moved back to the city of my choosing. And here I sit, and sit, and sit.
I have no job. I have no clear job prospects. I have few marketable skills. I don't really know anyone here. How was this a good idea??
I mean, I know it was. It had to happen. But. Yeah, I just ain't living the dream right now.
I'm trying to figure out my direction.
I have a possibility of finding a little niche in a community organization I believe in -- a place where I could probably be me, all of me, even the parts of me that I don't publicly acknowledge. It would probably pay poorly and be an unstable position. Right now, I'm feeling like it's where I need to be. But that might just be because I need something.
The other somethings that come up though? Yeah, I'm not feeling them. The jobs posted that sort of fit my profile are nearly all to work under a PI in an academic setting. So, I'm not leaving academia, but I'm rather putting myself in a position of inferiority to an academic. Shoot me.
There's so little else available, I've been applying to these positions. Maybe I should stop. Right now, I'm feeling like I should put my energies into the potential of a low-paying job in a community organization that feels comfortable, in a place I can be accepted, and even needed. I can contribute there -- really contribute -- but also learn. They wouldn't be able to keep me busy in research, so I would learn other skills. And it would be comfortable, really comfortable.
The pay would probably suck. Did I go in this for the money? No, of course not. But taking a substantial pay cut after a Ph.D., potentially making even less than I did with only a bachelor's, well, that would suck.
Priorities... what are they... still trying to work it all out.
I have no job. I have no clear job prospects. I have few marketable skills. I don't really know anyone here. How was this a good idea??
I mean, I know it was. It had to happen. But. Yeah, I just ain't living the dream right now.
I'm trying to figure out my direction.
I have a possibility of finding a little niche in a community organization I believe in -- a place where I could probably be me, all of me, even the parts of me that I don't publicly acknowledge. It would probably pay poorly and be an unstable position. Right now, I'm feeling like it's where I need to be. But that might just be because I need something.
The other somethings that come up though? Yeah, I'm not feeling them. The jobs posted that sort of fit my profile are nearly all to work under a PI in an academic setting. So, I'm not leaving academia, but I'm rather putting myself in a position of inferiority to an academic. Shoot me.
There's so little else available, I've been applying to these positions. Maybe I should stop. Right now, I'm feeling like I should put my energies into the potential of a low-paying job in a community organization that feels comfortable, in a place I can be accepted, and even needed. I can contribute there -- really contribute -- but also learn. They wouldn't be able to keep me busy in research, so I would learn other skills. And it would be comfortable, really comfortable.
The pay would probably suck. Did I go in this for the money? No, of course not. But taking a substantial pay cut after a Ph.D., potentially making even less than I did with only a bachelor's, well, that would suck.
Priorities... what are they... still trying to work it all out.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Now what?
So, I quit my professor job. I moved back to the city I consider home. I unpacked (mostly).
Now what?
I don't have a job. I'm not an academic anymore. I am unemployed. I am most definitely burned out. I am not motivated to search for a job. I'm most definitely not motivated to BE the Ph.D. sort of person. I don't have it in me to network and be a fake me.
I kind of just want to flip hamburgers at McDonald's or something. Except I want to be paid well for doing it. *sigh*
I don't know where I'm going, but somehow I have to start doing something.
Now what?
I don't have a job. I'm not an academic anymore. I am unemployed. I am most definitely burned out. I am not motivated to search for a job. I'm most definitely not motivated to BE the Ph.D. sort of person. I don't have it in me to network and be a fake me.
I kind of just want to flip hamburgers at McDonald's or something. Except I want to be paid well for doing it. *sigh*
I don't know where I'm going, but somehow I have to start doing something.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I'm home.
Yup, it's done. I left my adjunct professor position with a high chance of eventual tenure. I moved home, without a job.
It was the right decision, dear Internet, I have no doubts about that. It was so right, I'm not quite sure if the whole professor thing ever happened at all. It just feels right.
Never mind that I'm unemployed. *ah-hem*
.
.
.
.
Yeah, so, the job search.
I have an interview coming up. It's an interview for a contract research position, working under a PI. I already spoke to the PI on the phone and the first thing she asked me was to tell her how wonderful she is. I'm thinking working under a PI ain't going to work for me. The plan was to leave academia. Working under an academic PI is not leaving academia. I've done this before and I have a pretty good idea how it'll work out: I'll be shit on on a regular basis, treated like some kind of moron, not a professional.
I'm going to the interview and putting a decent foot forward, but make no mistake, my friend(s), I'm interviewing them. I need to decide whether this is the right job or not. Likely not, actually, but it might do for a while, allowing me to pay the rent while I look for something else. Or it might not. We'll see.
And then there's still the job. You know, the non-academic job I applied for over a year ago and have been coveting ever since. It hasn't been posted again, but a "lower ranked" job at the same company was posted and I applied for it. I haven't heard. And then, today, another job was posted at the same company. This one is, let's say, "middle ranked," meaning I think it's higher than that last one, but not as good as the one I covet. I guess I need to apply to this one too. I am sort of afraid I'm going to come across as begging for anything at all. Desperation. Really, I just feel like it's pretty close to the only company that would work for me.
There was another one that I applied for. It was flashy and awesome and perfect and I would have loved it. They were looking for someone with a master's, not a Ph.D., which is actually more interesting to me. I applied when it was posted, then contacted them a couple days ago to give them my change of address. They replied saying they had shortlisted people already and I'm not in. I could SO have done that job, long term, and been happy. I think it's a case of a boss with a master's not wanting to have a Ph.D. under him. Dammit, I never should have done the damned Ph.D.
Anyway, I'm home and I'm happy. But, of course, the drama continues while I hunt for a long-term job. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy being home and let the memories of that two-horse town slip away.
It was the right decision, dear Internet, I have no doubts about that. It was so right, I'm not quite sure if the whole professor thing ever happened at all. It just feels right.
Never mind that I'm unemployed. *ah-hem*
.
.
.
.
Yeah, so, the job search.
I have an interview coming up. It's an interview for a contract research position, working under a PI. I already spoke to the PI on the phone and the first thing she asked me was to tell her how wonderful she is. I'm thinking working under a PI ain't going to work for me. The plan was to leave academia. Working under an academic PI is not leaving academia. I've done this before and I have a pretty good idea how it'll work out: I'll be shit on on a regular basis, treated like some kind of moron, not a professional.
I'm going to the interview and putting a decent foot forward, but make no mistake, my friend(s), I'm interviewing them. I need to decide whether this is the right job or not. Likely not, actually, but it might do for a while, allowing me to pay the rent while I look for something else. Or it might not. We'll see.
And then there's still the job. You know, the non-academic job I applied for over a year ago and have been coveting ever since. It hasn't been posted again, but a "lower ranked" job at the same company was posted and I applied for it. I haven't heard. And then, today, another job was posted at the same company. This one is, let's say, "middle ranked," meaning I think it's higher than that last one, but not as good as the one I covet. I guess I need to apply to this one too. I am sort of afraid I'm going to come across as begging for anything at all. Desperation. Really, I just feel like it's pretty close to the only company that would work for me.
There was another one that I applied for. It was flashy and awesome and perfect and I would have loved it. They were looking for someone with a master's, not a Ph.D., which is actually more interesting to me. I applied when it was posted, then contacted them a couple days ago to give them my change of address. They replied saying they had shortlisted people already and I'm not in. I could SO have done that job, long term, and been happy. I think it's a case of a boss with a master's not wanting to have a Ph.D. under him. Dammit, I never should have done the damned Ph.D.
Anyway, I'm home and I'm happy. But, of course, the drama continues while I hunt for a long-term job. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy being home and let the memories of that two-horse town slip away.
Monday, May 26, 2014
At least, I'm trying to leave academia.
I got another interview - at the only other job I applied for that was actually looking for someone with a Ph.D. It's academic research. The universe wants to keep me in academia. It's not my dream job, but it would work for a while.
Except, of course, it's a term position. These term positions are driving me mad, but that's all there is. How does one buy a house a one one-year term? How does one make a home, a life? Even if I get the offer, and even if I take it, I'll still have to keep looking for something for next year...
But it's something. Do I turn down the offer of something (if I were to get the offer) just because it's not quite right? How long will it be until the next offer comes?
Leaving academia is turning out to be hard to do.
Except, of course, it's a term position. These term positions are driving me mad, but that's all there is. How does one buy a house a one one-year term? How does one make a home, a life? Even if I get the offer, and even if I take it, I'll still have to keep looking for something for next year...
But it's something. Do I turn down the offer of something (if I were to get the offer) just because it's not quite right? How long will it be until the next offer comes?
Leaving academia is turning out to be hard to do.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Moving home... and feeling zen
Since I quit my adjunct job and don't have another job lined up, I should be stressed out, no? Shouldn't I be panicking looking for a new job, wondering how I'll pay my rent, how I'll save this career after dropping out of the academic rat race?
Nope
I'm feeling zen. It just feels right. I've got a couple months of coasting, where I still have the income to pay the rent, and I'm just going with it. I'm sort of watching for jobs and I'll apply for any really good ones. But applying like mad for anything and everything? Nah. I'm taking this as a vacation.
Packing is a bitch. I'm ahead of schedule though, so all is well. Y'all think I'm in a hurry to get out of this two-bit town? Yes, yes I am.
I still don't know what's ahead of me, but I have peace now, knowing that it will work out.
Despite how much I agonized over this decision, the feeling that it was the right one couldn't possibly be stronger. Life is good.
Nope
I'm feeling zen. It just feels right. I've got a couple months of coasting, where I still have the income to pay the rent, and I'm just going with it. I'm sort of watching for jobs and I'll apply for any really good ones. But applying like mad for anything and everything? Nah. I'm taking this as a vacation.
Packing is a bitch. I'm ahead of schedule though, so all is well. Y'all think I'm in a hurry to get out of this two-bit town? Yes, yes I am.
I still don't know what's ahead of me, but I have peace now, knowing that it will work out.
Despite how much I agonized over this decision, the feeling that it was the right one couldn't possibly be stronger. Life is good.
Monday, May 5, 2014
I did it.
I did it. I quit academia.
I'm leaving this two-bit town and returning home. I'm prioritizing my personal life over work. I'm not sacrificing my home in order to be a professor.
It was a hard, hard decision, but I know it was the right one. I feel so relieved.
Of course, now I'm applying for anything and anything in my destination city, just to pay the rent. Wouldn't you know it? The first job interview I land is for a temporary contract as an academic researcher.
What??? I thought I quit academia???
I don't want the temp. I don't want the contracts. I don't want the world of academia where you're always supposed to do more. It's a big position and would be a challenge. I don't really feel like I want a challenge at this point. I'm a little burned out from this year's professorship. I kinda want to coast for a bit. But the topic of this research? It's something I really, really believe in. I would be doing good.
I will go to the interview and see. I wish I didn't have to keep making the decision, but it seems that is how it might be.
On a happy note, I'M GOING HOME!!! Ghad, I'm so happy to be leaving this town.
I don't know what the future holds for me, but I have a feeling it will be good, one way or another.
I'm leaving this two-bit town and returning home. I'm prioritizing my personal life over work. I'm not sacrificing my home in order to be a professor.
It was a hard, hard decision, but I know it was the right one. I feel so relieved.
Of course, now I'm applying for anything and anything in my destination city, just to pay the rent. Wouldn't you know it? The first job interview I land is for a temporary contract as an academic researcher.
What??? I thought I quit academia???
I don't want the temp. I don't want the contracts. I don't want the world of academia where you're always supposed to do more. It's a big position and would be a challenge. I don't really feel like I want a challenge at this point. I'm a little burned out from this year's professorship. I kinda want to coast for a bit. But the topic of this research? It's something I really, really believe in. I would be doing good.
I will go to the interview and see. I wish I didn't have to keep making the decision, but it seems that is how it might be.
On a happy note, I'M GOING HOME!!! Ghad, I'm so happy to be leaving this town.
I don't know what the future holds for me, but I have a feeling it will be good, one way or another.
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