Dreaming

Now that I'm between semesters, I finally have a little down time to dream. No, of course I shouldn't be lightening up my load, of course not. I should be powering ahead on upcoming courses and research -- at least that's what the pressure of academia tells me. I'm trying to do things my way though, and my way includes a little bit of dreaming.

What am I dreaming about? Don't get too excited, dear Internet. I'm just dreaming about work.

The thing is, I have a few applications out for tenure-track positions and one more I'm considering submitting. The application process is so intense that you can't do this sort of thing without dreaming. For each one I prepare, I dream up a whole new life for myself. I (virtually) explore the city, I "buy" a house, I check out my new neighborhood, I google my new colleagues, I start planning my trip to the campus for the job talk -- because of course I'm going to get invited to each and every campus. I even ponder the decision I will make when each and every one of them offers me a job. Which will I choose, given the university, the city, the real estate market, and the proximity of Starbucks?

I kid you not, I've identified the area Starbucks (or lack thereof) in each and every city I've applied to.

It's going to work this year, isn't it?  I'm going to get my tenure track job?  I'm so, so ready for a little stability.

Please, let this not just be a dream.

End-of-semester wrap up

Well, it looks like I made it through my first semester -- the course part at least. Exams are still to come, but they're ready to roll out.

Thoughts on this semester? I guess I'm proud that I made it through. If I look back a year, yikes, I had no idea where I was going. Even six months ago -- that takes me back to June, before moving and scared out of my mind about teaching. My fall courses seemed completely overwhelming. I was terrified.

I did it.

I did it and it really wasn't that bad. No, my courses weren't great, but I don't think the students realized that, and they weren't really THAT bad either. So, I can count this as success.

The process? Well, I worked by ass off until mid-October, when I hit a brick wall and couldn't do it anymore. I scaled my hours waaay back to something reasonable. And I survived that too. I don't feel great about the effort I've put into the last month or so, but I have been more relaxed, less stressed. That's got to count for something.

Now I need to ramp it up again to prepare winter - although I really don't want to. My winter courses do look rather daunting, but not as much so as my fall courses did back in June. I guess I've sort of figured out the whole procedure. I suspect it'll never feel AS terrifying again, if I stick with it.

If I stick with it... that's still the question. I go back and forth. There's much I like about the job, and a few things I don't like. I'm working on figuring out what I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not.

I'm also working on getting a job for next year. This one is a contract, remember that, dear Internet?  There are virtually NO jobs posted in my field for next year. My chances are slim. I still haven't heard anything about the prospects of getting renewed where I am now. About that, my feelings are watery and mixed. I'd like to have it as a back-up plan, but this school will only be my backup plan from here on in. It is not a viable long-term option for me. Too many disadvantages here.

So, yeah. I have nothing new to add, really. Just wrapping up the semester and celebrating with a sip of wine.

Sacrifice... and settling

Here I am, starting to wind down my first semester as a professor.  It has been a semester of ups and downs. I like what I do, although it doesn't have EVERYTHING I want in it. For the record, here's a list of the good and the bad:

The Good :

• I like working with young adults. I really like the age and the life stage.
• I've rediscovered some of the material that initially made me fall in love with my discipline.
• I like the independence, no boss lurking behind me and making sure I'm doing it his way.
• I actually do enjoy teaching - although tempered by the knowledge that my courses are all rough drafts at this time. 

The Bad :

• This city is an absolute shithole. Excuse my vulgarity, dear Internet, but there's really no other way to say it. 
• It's too much work. Completely overwhelming. The course load is nuts. I'm too old to work this hard.
• Courses are on 2 and 3 year rotation, so I would have brand new courses for semesters to come.
• I miss research.
• Of course, the kicker from the beginning, it's a contract position, so I have no life stability and don't know where I'll be in a year.

Now is time to send out a few applications for jobs next year, in case this one isn't renewed, or in case I can get something better. This process has me thinking.

What do I want?? I guess I want to keep The Good and minimize The Bad. But do I have to eliminate all of the bad?

As I've mentioned, this is a second career for me. I'm older than the average person in this position and age is playing a role. As I've mulled the situation over though, I realize I am willing to compromise. I will not go as far in this discipline as I would have if this were my first career and I were a good decade younger. I can accept that. But what does it mean, practically speaking? I guess it means I can (should) be more flexible on my Good and Bad list - be willing to give up some of the good to eliminate the worst of the bad, or deal with some of the bad to keep some of the good.

What am I willing to settle on?  I can see two directions from here.

1.  I leave academia and settle by taking a nice job outside of academia that uses my skills. I would lose the flexibility, the "prestige" within academia (which technically I don't care about, but I will be harshly judged by academics), the academic freedom and some of the respect I get with it. I would basically lose all of The Good.  I could eliminate much of the bad though - the ridiculous course load, the instability, the shitville residence, and if I play my cards right, the lack of research (although it wouldn't be independent research - I'd be serving someone else's will). And, once I leave academia, it's virtually impossible to get back in.

2. I find a stable academic job in a small university, where I can be stable more quickly than a big one, and settle into a predominantly teaching position with minimal research requirements. What do I keep?  All of The Good. What can I possibly eliminate in The Bad?  A) City. I might be able to swing something a little better than where I am now, but not a lot (can't get much worse). I won't be living where I want to live. B) Contract position: I will not apply for any more contract positions; tenure track or bust. C) Workload: small universities will have high workloads, but it doesn't have to be as bad as it is here, with the 2-3 year rotation on courses. Some of the workload can be managed in my own head, too. I need to learn to reject the pressure of it all. Of course, with that rejection, there would be the risk of not getting tenure, which would mean my "stable" job would really just be a five year contract. Am I willing to accept that? I don't know.

The biggest sore point in option 1 are losing freedom, working under someone else's orders, and the permanence of the decision. In option B, it's location and the possibility of it being temporary if I reject the intense pressure and insane workload.

What do I do....

For now, I guess I'm applying to a variety of academic jobs and keeping half an eye open for non academic ones. I won't rule out non-academic, but I think it would really have to be an amazing job for me to do it. For academic jobs, I will not accept a job in a city I hate. I will take the time to discover the city. Applying does not mean I have to accept it if it's offered. Submit applications, open doors, see where it goes.

Is it over yet???

It's still going...

But how is it going? Why, thank you for asking, dear Internet.

The term is advancing. I'm over the half way hump and staring down the end, although I still have quite a few weeks to go.  I'm tired, yes. I work a lot of hours, but I also seem to have developed a bit of an insomnia thing. I wake up about an hour after going to bed, and work starts circling through my head, so I toss and turn all night. That certainly doesn't help me be more productive...

I have to take a day off per week. I have to, because this city is so shitty that if I try to entertain myself for a day, I get bored, and then I'm ready to go back to work. That makes me more productive. It's hard to remember that though, when I have SO much work to do.

I'm plugging away at my weekly courses and trying to build courses for next semester, all while also building application packages for better jobs. Research? What research? Who has time for that?

My courses are going well. I'm pretty confident I'll get pretty good evaluations for a first year. Not perfect. I've had a few bad classes where I kind of dropped the ball. That is due to 1) insomnia and fatigue, 2) focusing too much on building my courses for next semester, so not preparing as much as I should for this semester. Yeah, gotta remember to focus on now, especially since THIS semester's evaluations are what will count for getting next year's job.

Do I love what I'm doing?

Well. There are aspects I like. I do like the students and the teaching. I have interesting material to teach (most days) and I like that I have the freedom to do it as I want to.

On the down side, it's way freaking too much work. I would like to have a job that I don't have to take home with me every single night and weekend. I would like to be able to just turn it off. But, that's not academia, apparently.  I do sometimes question my commitment. I really don't want to work THIS hard. Eventually it's supposed to get easier though, or so they say.

So, yeah. Nothing new to report. I'm just reporting on it anyway, for reference sake when I'm trying to figure out what's next.

G'nite, dear internet.

Here we go again...

Is it really time for this already?  I'm just a matter of weeks into the school year and I'm already preparing job applications for other cities.

Remember how disappointed I was that this was the job I ended up with? And that I was going to have to start looking again soon, since it was a contract position?  Well, soon is now.

So, as I figure out what I'm doing in round 2, I need to round up some of what I learned from last round of job applications and from my short couple of months in this position.

• Don't expect to hear from the bigwig universities.
• Do expect to possibly hear from some of the smaller ones or ones that feel like a really good fit.
• Don't bother applying to jobs that I have to twist my resume to sort of fit.
• If I get to the interview stage, ASK what the teaching load is. This is very important. If the quantity is too high, then their concern with quality is low. And I will suffer.
• Don't panic if I don't get something right away. Contract positions do pop up quite late in the game. 

I dunno. That's not much. But I do feel like I have a better idea of what I'm looking for this year. I also know that my candidacy is stronger this year -- not night and day stronger, but stronger.

To be honest, I don't have time for this. Preparing academic job applications is a full time job. But I have to do it. Am I too naive to hope that my next position will be THE position? The one I'll stay at? The city I'll make my life in? Naive perhaps, but I have to hope. Hope is what's driving me forward.

Student Evaluations

Ghad, student evaluations suck. It's too early for formal evaluations. But by the time formal evaluations roll around, it's too late. So I did an early informal one myself.  Most of the responses are very positive -- not perfect, but certainly more than positive enough for me to keep my job.

Then there's that other one.

One student: crash. and. freaking. burn.

So, I've got one unidentified student sitting there in my (small) class hating every moment of it and hating ME. Yes, there were enough questions on there about the personal characteristics of the professor that the person actually does hate ME.

How do I go back in there and keep up my upbeat attitude?

This was supposed to be a little activity to reassure me that all was well. Yeah, of course I knew there could be problems, but I didn't expect an evaluation THAT bad. Seriously, folks, it's ALL bad and nothing but bad.

It's just one student. It's not a big deal. The majority was extremely positive. It's just one student. It's just one student. It's just one student.

But it feels like shit.

Cruising speed...

Or at least approaching cruising speed.  I'm a few weeks int. Things are going relatively well I, think.

-written Sept 24, published later

Exhausted... utterly

I'm only a few weeks in and I'm utterly exhausted already.

I work so many hours. I work so many days. But here I am on a Wednesday at home because I just couldn't do it anymore. I had no classes, but holy hell I have a lot to do. The irony is that there's nobody standing over my shoulder or even lurking around the corner assigning it to me. I just have to do it, is all.

I took on too much this month. I recognize that now. But what do I do? It's too late. I have two first-time courses (non-negotiable), manuscripts bouncing back for revision (non-negotiable), two conference presentations (could have avoided, but too late now), two courses to begin preparing for next semester (how long can I put it off without hanging myself in january?), two small grant applications (could have avoided in theory, but if I ever want a tenure track position, non-negotiable), and one job application so far (optional? not really, this is a contract position I'm on).

How does a person do all that?

And non-academic people say to me "you only teach six hours a week? that must be so nice!" Yeah. Piss off.

My stress level was so high this morning I was crawling out of my skin. I just had to bail. I took my textbook out and read it with lunch. Then came home. To work. Yeah. I want to sleep. How do I drag myself to my desk when I want to sleep so badly, and I've got these damned fluffy cats purring their hypnotics right in my ear?

That whole work-life balance thing, I need to figure it out. I'm perfectly happy with work being the focus right now, but there has to be enough life in there or I'm not effective at work.

I would be counting down the weekend, but when you have to work all weekend, what's the point?

So far, so... good?

Well, I haven't tripped and fallen on my face in class, or fainted, or belched, or done any other horribly embarrassing things. So, so far, so good, right?

How does it feel to be teaching again?  I don't know. I was up and down and all over the place this past week. I've had moments of feeling really good, like this is going so well and I am going to love it. I've had moments of feeling depressed and thinking about that non-academic job I was considering. So, I guess I just don't know.

I had sort of forgotten how "switched on" the brain gets when teaching. It's hard to come down afterwards. I don't like the "always on" feeling. I suppose I'll get used to it though. I remember it from my old teaching days long ago, but it didn't seem as disturbing, although I spent a lot more hours in class.

I also have moments of stress about all that I'm "supposed" to be doing. Teaching, yeah, but the whole professor thing - research, community service. I can't seem to get myself geared up to do that at all. I guess that's okay for now since I'm heavily invested in building my courses. Still, though, it's another layer of "always on" that I haven't reached yet.

I don't know, I just don't know.......

Let's get this party started

It's party time.  Registrations have ramped up, textbooks are stacked, students are sharpening their pencils, and the nerdy professor is in.

My courses are far more developed than I expected them to be at this point. I've worked a hell of a lot of hours over the past two months, but it was time well spent, as I now am feeling like I can do this. They're not completely complete, but honestly I'm about a day away from them being as complete as they really should be at this point. I want to leave myself a little wiggle room, just in case, but they're basically done.

So, if all goes well, I just might survive the fall semester. I might even survive the winter semester if I play my cards right. I haven't started prepping those courses yet, but the thing is, I already seem to be getting better at this.  I'm building courses faster, making them more interactive, and fairly easily and substantially improving on the ones I developed only one short (long??) month ago.

I can do this.

I might even be able to do slightly more, and get in some *gasp* research this year. You know, the think I actually want to do most?  Timelines are looking reasonable. I.Can.Do.This.

I'm giving myself a pep talk, it seems.

Is anyone out there? I know this is an invisible little blog where I talk into the void, but I'd love to connect with some other first year professors. Methinks a little forum search is in order. Surely there's an e-place for us.

Cautiously optimistic

A couple months into this whole backwards adventure, and I'm cautiously optimistic. That's good, right?

I mean, the two-bit town is what it is, but I'm finding a few little jewels in it. Amidst the grunge of it all, there are a few little diamonds around -- unpopular ones in these parts, but I'm okay with that.

As far as the professorship goes, it really is hard to tell on so many counts. I mean, school hasn't started yet. I haven't given a single class. All I've done is plug away at building my courses, alone in my little office in an abandoned building. But, although the number of hours I've been working is a little over the top, I don't dislike the work. It's kind of fun.

Part of it, though, is really, really, really good. Which part, you ask, dear Internet?

The "independent" part.

You see, they always talk in academia about getting to the end of the schooling bit and getting an independent position. That's what I've done. And, as it turns out, I was right on one count anyway. THIS is what I NEEDED. I had been crawling out of my skin through the Ph.D. and post-doc because I felt like I could do more, was ready for more, was being held back, was ready for independence.

Now, I'm just in the very early stages, but OH MY MYTHICAL DIETY, it feels so friggin' good to not be anyone's lackey anymore. I'm on my own, I answer to myself, nobody is looking over my shoulder. It's been two months and nobody knows if I've worked a day. I've worked WAY more hours than I ever would have worked if I had been on the clock, but it's okay, because it's my choice, it's my work, they're my courses. I'm not serving someone else.

Of course, you could argue that my pay stub still says a number of hours on it, which is way lower than the number actually worked, and that I do actually have a boss who will some day decide whether I stay or go, but it's just not the same as it used to be. I'm not going to go whining to the boss that I worked extra hours and can I please get paid (obviously I can't be - that's what salaried means), but I'm also not going to go groveling to my boss saying I worked extra hours last week so can I please leave early for an appointment on Friday. If I need to, I will, and it's nobody's business but my own.

Basics, perhaps, but it's been a long time coming and I've been so ready for it for so long. Basically, it feels like I finally, *FINALLY*, have an adult life. And it fits me quite fine.

On the power and freedom... and responsibility of teaching

Here I am, Professor Zil, developing undergrad courses.  Of course, I've never really done this before, so I have no clue what I'm doing. But, dammit, it can be fun.

Through our doctoral studies, we push one very well-defined topic to its extreme, taking it apart and looking at it in its finest detail. Interesting enough, to be sure, but this is not what I originally fell in love with. Now, as I develop undergraduate courses, I'm getting back to the basics -- and, I'm rediscovering the material that I fell head-over-heels in love with in the first place.

It's more than that, though. I'm rediscovering that basic material, but I'm doing so in a context where I get to cherry pick. Yeah, there are some basics that really have to teach -- not because anyone is telling me I have to, but because I know that it's the foundation of the field and anyone with this degree should have certain knowledge.

In addition to those basics, though, there are so many other peripheral topics, or applications, or twists that I get to choose from. I get to pick what makes ME excited, and use it to teach new students what this field is all about.

I was just developing some tangential course material a few minutes back and it occurred to me: as I pick these topics that somehow define me, who I am, what I'm interested in, I'm creating the undergraduate experience and shaping the minds of a cohort of students. Of course, we know that in higher education every single degree is different. I've always known that it depends to some degree on what the students interests are -- what they choose for term papers, what they integrate and what their brains purge after each exam... but I guess it just occurred to me that their degree also depends quite profoundly on what I'M interested in.

That's kinda cool.

You see, there were things I had to sit through during my undergrad that I didn't particularly agree with. And I'm sure my students will listen to me ramble on about things they don't really believe in. But my courses will contain nothing that I don't agree with. I will purge the nasties from my curriculum and replace them with things that I learned and liked, or -- more excitingly -- things I never did hear about during my degree, but that I wish I had.  I have the freedom and the power shape their vision of this discipline in the way I see it.

Of course, with great freedom comes great responsibility. I hope I can live up to the responsibility that has been bestowed upon me. I hope my additions make sense, my deletions don't detract from their foundation, and that somehow through my choices and my interests my students will discover whatever it is that gets them excited. I hope that in my courses they will find what they were looking --- but that somehow they also find at least a nugget of something they didn't even know they wanted.

Week 1: Report

So, now I'm a professor.

I've spent a week as a professor. I want to track this experience, so that when I'm looking back and deciding if I want to continue to pursue the professor route, I'll have a clear picture of it all.  And of course, for my couple of followers out there in the big wide world.

Well, there's certainly no catering going on. I remarked before how the other university I interviewed with catered me on a whole different level. I don't know how it would have been for me if I were starting there, but I suspect it would have been different. Here?  Nothing. I basically went to work. The secretary gave me keys to my office. That's about it. I've been working alone in my office for the week.

The difference between now and a few weeks ago?  Location (for the worse), focus of my energies (building courses instead of writing papers), the employee benefits (much better)... that's it. I'm still working alone in a little office. That'll change though, as the other staff comes back from vacation and, of course, when the students flood in.

Another difference is that there's nobody looking over my shoulder. I guess that's the "academic independence" thing. I mean, I have a boss, but it seems she'll only chime in at the very end, when they decide whether I did well enough to keep on staff or not. In the meantime, I am on my own. Sink or swim. I have wanted this for a long time, but it's still kinda frightening.

It did feel odd to walk into the professors' lounge.  Even if I didn't actually talk to anyone (it was empty), walking into it and knowing I'm entitled to walk into it because I am a professor... kinda fun.  Just walking the hallways too... there is something different about it. Walking around campus as a student and walking around campus as a professor, it just feels different. In a good way. I think.

If I allow myself to, I can feel very overwhelmed about the amount of work I have to do in the next month. It is a lot. And I'm completely on my own. I hope I can do this, but I just don't know.

Adding insult to injury

As I try to settle in to this two-horse town, strongly feeling, knowing??, that it was a wrong decision, an interesting job offer just appeared back in my old city.

Not just any job offer. It's the one I interviewed for in the winter -- the one that I didn't get strictly due to timing, they said. They needed me to start immediately, but I needed a couple months to finish what I was doing. Now, that position is open again.

It's the pretty job, one that makes me very excited, but that is NOT in academia. It's the very same job that, combined with the one I moved here for, caused me to start this blog. The whole debate that was wearing on me - academia or corporate... it's the corporate job. I would love to have done that job for a few years, then maybe (maybe) apply for an academic one down the road.

Part of me wants to apply for this job now.  Did they call me and find my number disconnected? Did they mean it when they said they'd keep me on file? Did they mean it when they said it was just a timing thing, or were they talking out of their be-hinds? Would they hire me? Would they pay for my move back home?? How much would it cost me to bail on this job at the last minute?

But I'm already here. I have to give it a shot. Right? (Wrong?)

Ugh. Just ugh.

A City Girl in a Two-Horse Town

I've made the move - what feels like the ultimate sacrifice for academia.  I am now a city girl residing in a two-horse town. It's an abandoned wasteland, really. At any moment of any day, when ever I look around, I am constantly shocked by how few people there are, by how many empty storefronts/buildings/units there are...   You know when you're on the very outskirts of the city, in a semi-city, semi-industrial area that isn't fully developed and has lots of empty space?  That's what it feels like everywhere here. All. The. Time.

Then, I see a few of the people I was missing. And again, I sigh.  It seems that in this town, "high fashion" is to be dirty, ragged, and obese, while thinking you're a 19 year old model.  I've never seen such raggy people in my life. I've never seen so many stained gray sweats in my life. Unkempt hair. Unshaven faces. Waistlines that surpassed "bulge" a good 150 lbs ago. Each of these issues on their own is not the end of the world, but when you put them all together... and dress it in short shorts and a skin-tight tank top... YUK. 

I've also never seen so many bargain shops in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a bargain as much as the next guy. But the clearance rack at a dirty discount store is not exactly what I aspire to.  Apparently it's the locals' idea of the ultimate shopping experience.

Every time I walk outside, I feel nauseated. Every. Single. Time. I try to seek out what passes for high class in this city. Starbucks. That's about it so far. 

In this time of discovery of this dirty new world around me, one thing gives me solace. Oddly, it's the one thing that terrifies me most and that I had been avoiding: work. I'm terrified of this new professor position. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm overwhelmed by the textbooks full of material that I have a shaky hold on at best. But, when I settle down and start to develop one of my courses, I lose myself in it, and I feel myself again.  I forget the grime that surrounds me and rediscover my love for my little (but quickly broadening) corner of academia.  I am ME.

This, of course, does not bode well for my development of a social life. It does, though, hold promise for my professional development in the year to come.

Yes, year. Not years.  This is a time-limited endeavor, y'all. This city girl won't last long in Grimeville.

Sacrifice

How much should a person sacrifice for academia?

Years ago, when I went back to school, it was the right decision. But I had planned to go back for 2 years, not the better part of a decade. Once wrapped up in academia, where the prevailing attitude is that you either go all the way or you're a failure, I ended up going all the way.  Parts of this are right for me. I can do it, intellectually, but oh what I have sacrificed to do it.

I have been a foreigner for most of my adult life. I know, a TON of people do it, living as a foreigner. But there's no denying it can be hard.  Meeting people and developing a social life have never been my strong suits, even as a child. Living as an adult in a very homogeneous society where I'm an outsider, well... let's just say it wasn't great for my social life.

What does this have to do with my sacrifices for academia?  I wanted to leave there for years. I wanted to leave before going back to school, but I decided to do it locally because it was "easier". I cringed, but I committed to those two years of education as an outsider. Then, somehow, I got sucked into the academic mindset and found myself doing a Ph.D., still locally, where I was an outsider in a homogeneous land where it is pretty much impossible to break into the social scene if you have an accent that marks you as hailing from more than about an hour and a half drive away.

At the end of the Ph.D., I finally jumped ship and moved to a city I love. My goal there, to get the rubber stamp on my Ph.D. (defend), get a stable job I enjoy, and start working on my social life -- start repairing some of the damage done by living for so many years as an outsider. It was going to finally be time to give some time to me.

Ha!  I've been living in the city I love for two years now, but I've been applying for academic jobs across the country for half of that.   Why?  Somehow I guess I got sucked into the academic mindset again that says you have to go all the way or you're a failure. If you're not doing a traditional academic job, like a professorship, you're doing it wrong.  So, here I am, doing it.

Sacrifice.  I am sacrificing the city I love. I am sacrificing a city where I feel I could actually be at home. I am sacrificing the small gains I've made in my social life. I'm picking up, yet again, and going to a dirty two-horse town for a professor job. And, here's the real kicker, it's a temporary job. It's a contract, renewable, which means that I still can't settle down and feel stable, because I'll only be moving on again, but who knows when.

You know the stereotype?  The gawky professor who's whole life revolves around work? Who has no friends, no family, no social life, but is married to his work?  Turns out that's me.

Sacrifice, oh what I'm sacrificing for this job.

For the coming year, I'm scared.  This city is SO not me. I know I will hate it, and I will hate the limbo caused by the temporary nature of the job.  And I'm afraid that my hatred for the city will rub off. I don't know if I will love being a professor. If I don't love it, will that reaction be real, or will it be my hatred for the city rubbing off on the job? Will I ruin the whole professor stream for myself because I've accepted an offer from a two-bit school in a two-horse town?  Is it even POSSIBLE for me to be happy in this job in this city?

I'm working prophylactically. I’m making a few decisions that are costly ones but that give me some shred of hope that I’ll be happy in this location. I don’t know if it’s enough. Ghad, I hope it is. I don’t know where I’m going, but I'm afraid for myself in the year ahead. 

An Answer

Word is in, and it's a No for the 2nd option. It's School-1 I'm going with.

Justification for the No: It was the most competitive competition they've ever seen and even being invited for an interview was an achievement, they say.  Certain aspects of my intervew "blew them away", but others left them unfulfilled. Bottom line - it was just too competitive and they went with someone who has more post-secondary teaching experience.

So, I'm off to timbuktu, to a tiny school, where I'll get the experience this slightly bigger school is looking for. Maybe next year?

Now I get to go through the mourning all over again. This job I'm taking does have its advantages - I'll be getting the experience I need. But it has a few fairly major disadvantages. The worst one: it's a limited term appointment, renewable but not automatically renewed and I won't find out about renewal until long past the application period for the next year's jobs. That means I have no choice, I have to go through this whole application process all over again, beginning in just a few months.  It also means I can't really develop a substantial research platform not knowing if I'll be around to actually do the work. And the pay sucks. *sigh*  
Look on the bright side. Crappy conditions aside, I'm an Assistant Professor. Meh.  Maybe tomorrow it'll feel better.

And still waiting...

Just in case there's anyone out there wondering how it all goes down, here's the latest news:

Nothing.

There is no news.

I'm still waiting.

I have an offer I've accepted from one university and due to internal complications I'm still waiting to find out if I've been chosen for the second university.

I'm moving in two months, but I still don't know what city I'm moving to.

I've booked a mover and have a load date, but I still don't have a destination city.

I've been looking at housing rentals online, but I can't move forward because I still don't know where I'm moving to.

I'm giving a slew of courses in four months, all first-time courses requiring tons of prep, but I still don't know what courses I'm giving.

I have one professor position lined up and another one interminably on hold, and I still don't know if it's what I want to do.

What have I done?

1. I've begun packing my home up, because once I do find out where I'm going, all hell is going to break lose with planning.
2. I've explored both areas online so at least I have a vague clue of where I want to live.
3. I've ordered free evaluation copies of textbooks for the potential courses at one university - luckily this was pretty easy to do and they didn't need to confirm the position. 

...as I see it, there's not much more I can do while I wait in limbo.

This academic job search thing is not for the faint of heart. And I'm feeling rather faint.

Waiting...

I did end up trying for that 2nd option. I worked up the interview material. Put my very best foot forward.

How did it go?  The panel interview part went okay. I didn't have all the right answers, but I think I did okay for someone with little experience.  But the public presentation part of the interview?  It could not possibly have gone over better. It was a smashing success. But there were at least 2 other interviewees. How did they do?

Now, I wait.

I have to move in three months.

Would someone tell me where I'm moving to, please?

I have to find a place to live. I have to book a moving company. I have to start developing my courses. I can do none of these until I know where I'm going.

If given the choice, I will take the 2nd option, hands down. It is a much better position. It is still not top-of-the-industry better, but it is definitely better. I could be happy there long term. But at this point, I just want to KNOW.

Glaring at the phone.... ring, dammit, ring!

Options!

Ah, it's good to have options.

Just a few weeks ago, when I started this blog, I was wondering if I had any options in academia and if corporate would be a more realistic way to go. Now, I have a contract sitting in front of me, from a tiny university (Uni A), ready to be signed.

AND, I have been invited to a 13 hour interview at another tiny university (Uni B).

Uni B is still a small undergrad-only university. It's a little less small than the one I have the contract for. It's an interview, not a job offer. It's a slightly better city to live in. I know people there.

But... I won't know if I have an offer at Uni B until April, and I have this other contract from Uni A sitting in front of me right now.

But... while the school is (very) slightly better and (slightly) bigger, the actual courses they would be asking me to teach are not as good for me. I'm at risk of being boxed into an area where I would not be easily employable. Uni A is asking me to teach a LOT of more appropriate courses.

But... who knows what the offer from Uni B would actually be like, if it comes at all. Would there be more support for research start-up?  A higher salary? A lighter course load? Flexibility with the course selection? The core courses appear unflexible, but could I tag on a more appropriate one?

Normally, I would tell myself, just go to the interview and see how it goes - you've got nothing to lose. I do have something to lose this time though.

For one, it'll be expensive. They pay the flight and hotel, but I will miss three days of work and I have zero paid vacation days at this crap job I'm in now, so I'd lose three days of pay (and productivity). And I would have to spend at least one weekend putting together a presentation for them. And I would have to spend one agonizing day of non-stop hobnobbing, from breakfast with the dean to dinner with the committee. Ugh.

I'm leaning toward turning down this interview. I will sit with it for a few days before I decide. Regardless of that decision though, gawsh, it feels good to have options. It is so very nice to be wanted.

Delayed reaction: Excitement

Okay, so it took me a couple weeks. I may not be fast, but I've gotten here eventually.

I'm ramping up and getting excited about this job. At a time when professorships are desperately hard to get, I got an offer at barely a year after defending. Not at a top notch uni, but a uni all the same. Honestly, a lower ranked uni will be an easier place to begin and grow.

I've been googling this city galore. It has all the essentials. It has a whole lot more than the city I was living in before. It appears to be more cosmopolitan, more international... not as much as where I am now, but better than where I was. (confused yet?)

Opportunties... it has 'em. For work, anyway. Not so much for weekends, but let's face it, I'll be working like a dawg anyway.

Fun times ahead, dear internet. But now comes the hard part: Getting through the next six months. Waiting is the hardest part.

And acceptance

As I mourn the loss of a city I love, I'm beginning to look forward to a new adventure.

I never intended to go to this city. But, I never intended to do a Ph.D. either. I didn't intend to become a professor. It has all just sort of happened, the way life does sometimes.

I've done big things before and accepted them more easily than this one. Why the struggle this time around?

The time in my life. I think that's why it has been so hard. I'm not a 20-something who did the traditional educational route. I went back to school at 30. So, now I'm nearing 40 and what I want - what I really need, as much as I need to breathe - is new stability in my life. I want to settle in a city and call it home. That's what this city was supposed to be for me, but just a year and a half later I'm making plans to move away.

This job is not my career, it's a stepping stone. In theory, that's great. But it's a stepping stone at a time in my life where I desperately want permanence. That's the problem.

This will be another adventure, for a couple years, and then I will come back - if not to this city, at least to this province and to a city I can call home. With a job I will stay in for the duration of my career. With a down payment for my first condo.

This is not a delay. This is the beginning of the home stretch. This new little adventure will get me where I need to go.

Accepted

Accepted.

A professor job.

At a crappy little university.

In a crappy little town.

And I'm nauseated about it.

Am I really going to do this? The truth is, I'm still not sure. I accepted the offer, but I'm still not sure. I may pull out. Some would say that's unethical, unprofessional... but the academic job market is absolutely dismal these days.

You see, dear Internet, when this job was posted, I didn't apply for it right away. I let it sit there for a while, because I didn't want it. Then, I finally decided to submit the application as a way of testing the bottom limits of what I might be eligible for. I figured if I didn't even get shortlisted for a job like this, I need to find a new career. What I didn't count on was this school moving faster than all the rest, so it's my first offer, and I have no idea if any others are coming.

The academic job market is dismal. I could not turn this down and perhaps end up unemployed in a few months. But... really??? This job???

Before accepting, I thoroughly googled how to withdraw from an academic job offer you've already accepted. It's controversial, folks, but it has been done before and it will be done again. Perhaps by me.

Would someone pour me a drink?

Academic Job Offer

Well, that was fast. And really slow, all at the same time.

I have received a job offer for a professor position. A week or two ago, wasn't I just asking myself if I wanted this?  And now the offer is sitting there in my email, sparkling and shining and singing and generally making a big thing of itself.  Professor Zil. Who'd o' thought.

Next step - something I'm terrible at. Negotiating. You see, it's not a great offer. In today's academic job offer, it is very precious indeed, but it requires a bit of tweaking or I'll enter into it all set up to fail. They expect the negotiating though, so I guess it's okay. Maybe they even downgraded it to allow for the negotiating process. Luckily, academics like to talk about themselves, so there's much advice to be had from my good friend Google.

The location of this position? Let's just say it's not the tropics. It's so not the tropics that I can only see it as a 3-4 year plan, a stepping stone toward a better position that will be.... well.... still not the tropics. But a tiny bit closer. In my dreams.

I have to move across the country to get to it. That implies 1) hassle, 2) house hunting, 3) expense, 4) more negotiating, 5) starting from scratch again on my social life - which is also something I'm terrible at.

I moved here to develop my social life, but alas, I'm moving away shortly after to pursue my career. When does the life trump the career, I wonder?

Climbing, climbing, climbing.... Arms up high over our heads... and WEEEEEEEE!  And so the roller coaster ride begins.

(ends?)

(continues?)

Fact and fiction, fantasy and reality

I wrote in my last post about connectedness, or my lack thereof. You see, it seems to me that an academic should be connected to the world around him/her. Actually, it's not just academics. It seems to me that any mature person should be connected to the world. We should know what's going on around us, in our work worlds, our broader communities, and our even our international communities. We should talk about news and events, social issues, economic challenges affecting our industry. It's just what a responsible person does.

I'm a researcher. My work is all about trying to try to find that nebulous “truth”, the answer, the way of the future. I look for fact, I debunk myth, I explore reality.

But in my free time? I live in a world of fantasy. Whether I'm reading mountains of fiction or losing myself in an online game, I am hungry for fantasy. I don't read books – I read series. If it's not at least four books long, it's not another world where I can lose myself. My books, my games, my online worlds... they all are fictional, and they all are rich, complex other worlds. I spend my personal time wrapped up in fictional past worlds, future worlds, worlds of magic and wonder.

...so, as UNconnected as possible to the Real World around us.

So, when I ponder how to become more connected to the world around me (and more like the type of person I wish I were), the question that quite naturally come to mind are...

...can I be connected while bravely wielding a longsword, while casting a spell over spoiled lands, while boldly exploring uncharted universes?

I guess “connected” just ain't me.

Academic Impostor Syndrome

I like working with people who aren't very smart.

There, I said it.

When I work with people who aren't all that, I feel competent, good at what I do, insightful, and a lot of other good things. But there are people out that who don't leave me feeling quite so warm and fuzzy. I'm not talking about the people who think they're so much superior to me and put me down - I can handle those people.  I'm talking about the more humble types who, who are just obviously so much more connected, more competent, more interested and more interesting, more engaged and more engating, and just plain smarter than I am.

I encountered one of those today. I was presenting something work related at a place this person runs. She was fabulous. She greeted and catered me, the visiting researcher. She discussed her site and her work in a way that shows she's passionate about what she does. And here I am, inside my stuffy little head, thinking "who cares". Then she talks about some other projects she's working on and it's just so clear that she has so much more... potential... than I do.

She's less educated than I am, but she's a more educated person, if that makes any sense.

And so, I go back to look at my education. You know, I did it the easy way. I did the shortest Ph.D. you can get in the country in my field - and I finished it a full year ahead of schedule. I often felt, as I went through the program, that it wasn't a "real" Ph.D.  I was a superstar there. The other students struggle and don't finish on time. I finished early with double what I needed.  I ain't no genius though. It was a remedial Ph.D.

I moved away from that area, to a place where the Ph.D. takes years longer to complete. Sometimes I'm okay with everything, because while I know my program was *ah-hem* below par, I was such a superstar in the program that I know I could have done a longer, harder program, and all it really would have earned me was more years of my life sunken into school, more debt... I did the right thing by taking a legitimate, recognized, fast-track. It is a recognized degree, from a high-ranked recognized university. I'm just not so sure it should be high ranked and recognized.

Until I meet people like the one I met today. Today, I feel like an impostor. I'm not the smart, educated, connected person I'm presenting myself to be. I'm a fast-tracker.

Connectedness. That's the one that really gets me though. It's not really one you learn, either. A second and a third Ph.D. would not teach me to be more connected. It's just who I am. I live in my own little world that isn't quite so attached to the world around me. It works for me, I like it, I belong here, it's all good.... until I meet someone like the woman I met today.  She has the..... connectedness... I feel like I should have, to present myself legitimately as Dr. Zil. I'm searching for another word to describe what it is I'm missing, but I can't find one.

And that, dear Internet, is another thing I will have to grapple with as I make the transition I have ahead of me.

Onward.

Academic Job Interviewing - The Transformation

Yesterday, I was an insecure recent Ph.D. graduate who had been put down as an incompetent "trainee" for years. Today, I'm a confident, professional prospective professor.

The transformation that is required when making this switch is unbelievable. All through grad school, we're taught to bow down to the gods that are the professors. Then, suddenly, we have to become one. Stand up in front of the selection committee and act like a well-trained student? You'll never get the job. You've got to convince them that you're already a professor, just waiting for the paperwork to be signed.

Last week I was considering a "job", that would be a good one, but would take me out of academia. Today, I am the proud owner of a (draft of a) five year plan describing the development of my academic career and my new (would-be) research platform.

I was never interested in an acting career, but I feel like that's what I'm working at right now. The odd thing though? "Fake it til you make it," they say. But already it is feeling right. I DO belong in academia. Academia is where I am most at home -- it is where I feel like ME.

This job I'm soon interviewing for?  It's not the greatest one, not by a long shot. It's not the one I want. I'm not the right fit for this position, not because of a lack of skill, but because of an odd match between the university and me. That's okay, though. It's an excellent first try. It will be a trial run for the next one.

Y'all know what?  I love a challenge. My challenge here will be to convince them that I am right for them, even though I believe I'm not. My challenge will be to get an offer out of them, but an offer I may turn down, because there's still time for me to get interviews for positions that fit me better.

Let's get this party started (...after I proof my plan one more time...)

Me, My Life and I

Look at this - I have a blog! It just happens that I've been needing a place to ramble, and someone reminded me that this was a place I could do such a thing. I have no idea if I'll continue. Apparently I opened the blog years ago and it never went anywhere. But it is here tonight, so I shall use it to soothe my troubled soul.

----

Academia. Apparently I'm an academic. How the hell did that happen? It seems to me it was just yesterday that I was serving soda at McDonalds. Now I'm Dr. Zil, Ph.D., trying to figure out the whole "career development" thing.

I talk to my academic "mentors" and they explain how they got to be where they are. They talk about how their parents were Dr. this or Dr. that, and how they struggled to choose medicine or psychology over engineering or finance or whatever the family trade was. How hard that was for them. The questioning they went through. But how they came to figure out they could do something (slightly) different from their highly educated families and still fit in the family line.

I, Dr. Zil, am the child of two people who struggled to finish high school. The child of a part-time secretary and a mechanic. People who truly believe that if you can get a job and hold on to it, you've achieved success. People who truly believe that my getting a Ph.D. is just ridiculous and arrogant and conceited and all the rest. So, here I am, trying to figure out the career development thing, and I have no frame of reference whatsoever to draw on. I've been swimming against the current all the way through. My academic mentors don't understand why it's such a struggle for me to make the decision and to commit at each stage of the game, but I have voices in my head telling me to just Get A Job.

I had a job interview this week. It was for a good job - good pay, great benefits, intellectually stimulating, everything I moved to this city for. A job, in the corporate world. I could do this. I could enjoy it.

I'm preparing for another job interview this coming Friday. Academic. It's a tiny university, but it's a professor position. This school would not be my career. But it would be a stepping stone to the prestigious academic career I'm supposed to be striving for.

Assuming, of course, that I get an offer on both.... Which do I want? The good, stable, interesting job in the city I want to live in? Or the quasi-professor position in a tiny university that would move me forward on a path toward academic prestige?

When is enough enough? Have I done enough academia? Can I just get a job now? Does the fact that I consider the first option to be "just getting a job" mean it's wrong for me? When do I get to lighten up on the whole academic drain and develop... I don't know... LIFE? People tell me there's more to live than work. Academia begs to differ.

Questions, so many questions... and nobody to turn to for answers.