Should I stay or should I go now...

With the summer session heading this way, the joys and disasters of this job are switching places on the scale.

I've said all along that one reason I'm not sure about this job is that I don't want to work this hard. But you know what? With summer just around the corner, the workload has already gone way, way down.  And it's going to go down even further.

Of course, there's research. I have to do some of that. But I like doing that. And seriously, at this tiny little college, the expectations are pretty low. I can do what they need me to do.  This summer, I'll be building new courses for next year (assuming I'm staying). Next summer, I'll probably have another course or two to build. But after that, dear reader(s), I'm in the clear. Teaching will become easier when I've taught it all before and I'll have a third of the calendar year with basically nothing on the schedule, other than the self-directed stuff I choose to put on there. That sounds pretty sweet.

Is it realistic to work like a maniac for 8 months to have 4 months of reasonable schedule?  Maybe not. But that 8 months of mania won't have to be mania once I've got my courses under my belt. It could end up being 8 months of regular full time work, but not excessive, and 4 months of bliss. That, I can do.

Advantages of the University of Shitville: It's small, so their standards are low. While there's a ginormous teaching load, that means I can have variety and I can teach a couple fun courses that I want to teach. Of course, the flip side is that it's so small I have no colleagues and along with the fun courses I have to teach shit I don't know or care about.

And then there's the whole Shitville component. Let me tell ya, y'all, I still ain't in love with this grungy little town.  The neighborhood I'm in now is gross, gross, gross. But I can relocate to the sort-of-almost-livable area and maybe be okay.  It's not where I want to be, not by a long shot, but that job talk I just flew out to showed me that it could be worse on many levels. Not dirtier, but a whole lot smaller.

Why does the decision have to be so hard?  The "good" news is that it's not really a decision yet since nobody is exactly offering me another job anywhere else, despite the resumes that continue to go out.

Waffling. Should I stay or should I go?

It all seemed so clear a week ago. Since then, I seem to have found new perspective, for whatever reason.

The semester is beginning to wind down... or it will be very soon. Already, my workload has lightened up, as I don't have a whole semester looming ahead of me. The rest of the semester is prepped, with a few minor exceptions.

And THIS is what it will usually be like once I have my courses under me.  I'll have my material ready, my ppt prepard, damn, even my exams will be done and ready to roll, with only minor tweaking. It'll be a breeze, comparatively speaking.

If I want to do the professor thing, this is a decent place to do it. Tenure is pretty much a sure thing if you're doing a decent job. That means I could hunker down for the next year or two until things are solid, then the teaching will be a whole lot easier and I can actually do a bit of research, without the pressure of the big colleges. And I can have.... a life!  Ya think?

This city is not what I would choose, but I saw at that job talk that it could be a whole lot worse.  Maybe I can make this work. Maybe I should. Maybe this is what's best for me....

Dizzying. I wish I could stick with a decision.  Of course, if I stick with one decision and can't make it happen, that's not good, so maybe the waffling is a good thing. It means I'm open to many possibilities, and whatever works, works?

I think I'll go buy some waffles.

Growing acceptance

This new plan of mine is starting to feel comfortable. I think I'm leaving academia.

I sent off two non-academic job applications today - one for a posted position and one for that job that I didn't get last year. It's not posted, but hey, I reiterated my interest in case they should need someone.

The number one criteria this time: location. I need to be where I need to be. I had to fly through that coveted city yesterday and it was agony not to be able to just stay. It's home.  So, I will make it home again.

Other criteria?  I want there to be some sort of data analysis involved.  I don't want it to be in academia if it means I'm working under a PI in an academic setting. I'm comfortable with a community organization, healthcare organization, etc.

It's a real problem, ths Ph.D. thing. You see, "my field" is not actually a marketable field. There's almost nothing I can actually do. There's one job. It's that job I keep talking about. I want it, I need it.

So, now I have to get through the end of the semester without killing any students. I have to find a job. I have to leave this one in some way even though there will be contract issues at some point. I have to NOT follow through on any of the academic job applications I put out there (this one could be tough - if the opportunity comes up, will I have the courage not to take it?)

Fast forward... let's get this done.

Well, I ain't gettin' that job

Did I sabotage the interview because I don't want to live there? Because I don't want to teach? Or just because I legitimately suck at this?

I had no time to prepare, but honestly, I could have found a little more time. I just didn't want to. This topic does not interest me and I had to teach a new class in front of a bunch of uninterested first-year students.

Maybe I was too daunted by my real 1st year class that hates me. Maybe I just wanted to make sure I don't get the offer, so I don't have to turn it down and so I don't cave to academic presser and accept the damned thing.

I really do think it's time to step up my non-academic job search.  Timing it will be hard. I don't want to leave my college screwed over. People tell me I should take the job non-academic job whenever it comes, even if it means I jump ship mid semester. I would feel really, reallyCobad doing that. But. What do I do? If I've been looking for a good job for months and it finally comes through in October?

Anyway, one step at a time. Clean up my non-a resume and get started.  Count this professor thing as a moderate success considering the situation, but not what I choose for myself. Move on.

A plan?

Today I feel like I've come down to a plan of action. I don't know if it's just today or if it will stick, but here it is.

I've been feeling sick ever since I was shortlisted at this mid-range college in a two-horse town. Like, really, two horses. Way, way, way smaller than where I'm living now, and this town feels too small for me.  I've been coming up with every reason in the book to not want to do the interview, but the fact is, it's all about location, location, location.

I talked a while back about sacrifice -- about how much I was willing to sacrifice for this job.  I feel like I may be willing to sacrifice THE city of my choosing, maybe even the region of the country of my choosing, but I've decided that I'm not willing to sacrifice city living. I'm a city person. That is where I belong. I will not be happy in a hick town.

So, I do the interview, although it will take me days to fly across the country. I'll discover a state I've never been to and a college I don't know a lot about. I probably won't get the offer, but if I do, I will turn it down Ahhh, I hope I have the courage to do this. But I cannot move across the country to go to that. I just can't.

I've got a few other applications out there in larger places. Well, one in a small place and a few in larger, doable places. If any of those come through, I might go for it. Failing that though, I use the probability of renewal here as a way for me to have the summer or even the next year to look for a job in the city I want to live in.

That job, a year ago, that I came close to getting... I'll send off my info even though they're not advertising. Let them know I'm still interested. Look for other similar positions. I could even move back to that city on a contract, knowing I'll have the contract time to look for something else. If I make it MY city, my HOME, I will be able to find a way to make it work. No, the jobs might not always be perfect, and it might take me a couple years to get it right. It might even be expensive. But I cannot live in hickville, nope, can't do it.

People do it. They jump from contract to contract until the right thing comes up. I do see the occasional contract come up. Surely I can make it work?  It was hard last time, but not unreasonable (I think). In fact, if I had been willing to do the dishonorable thing and jump ship at an inconvenient time for my employer, I might have gotten that job I keep talking about.

If it takes me a year to get there, and another two years to get something stable *gulp*, that's better than a hicktown, right?  The time makes me nervous. I want stability more than I want to breathe, but I want it at home, and for whatever reason, that city feels like home. I'll do the professor thing in a similar and acceptable city, or the whatever-works thing in the city I want. Not the professor thing in hickville.

So, that's the plan. I hope I'm sticking to it.

Why I should leave academia

I've been throwing these ideas around all day and I want to get them down to look back on.  Will I always agree with the me of today?

Today I'm thinking that the right choice is to beg and plead professionally apply for that non-academic job I interviewed for a year ago.  I came close to getting it and I think there's a good chance I would have received the offer if it weren't for the timing. I asked for a little leeway to finish my post-doc and they took someone who didn't need that leeway.

I could try again. The job isn't posted, but they're large enough a company that they have 7-8 people in that position, so one has to come up now and then. In fact, one did come up about six months later, but I was already here starting the professor thing.

Advantages of that job:

• Location. That's where I want to be.
• Stability. The position is usually a continuing one, not contract. I could buy a home and make a home for myself. 
• The actual job. I would be doing what I am now only teaching.  I wouldn't just be explaining the basics to uninterested undergrads. I'd actually get to do the fun stuff myself.
• The quality of the work. This type of work does get done in academia and people tell me I will be able to do it once my courses are more solid. But seriously, this work, within academia, is shit quality. We don't have the resources to do it right. With this company, I would be able to do it by the book. 
• Skills development.  While as a professor I would be solidifying my knowledge of the basics, with this job I could actually develop my own higher level skills.
• Does not preclude teaching.  I could try for the best of both worlds. I can imagine that after doing it for a few years I could see if I could get a single course at a local college teaching this topic at its advanced level. I might even be able to get a day a week off for one semester a year or something like that. 
• No snotty undergrads. 'Nuf said.

Would it be perfect? Of course not. Nothing is. Let me see if I can figure out some of the possible disadvantages.

• Office hours. This is a double edged sword. I'd get my weekends, but the 9-5 thing would probably not be very flexible. It doesn't really bother me, but the flexibility is nice.
• Strict, limited vacation. Not much of it. I'd have to book in advance like regular folk. BUT, I could book it at any time of the year. Here, there's no way to do it during the semesters, no matter how important it may be.
• No sabbatical. But seriously, will I ever get to sabbatical?
• Academic egos. I was told in the interview that there was a lot of dealing with academic egos. I can easily imagine that there are academics who use the services of this company and think they're so much superior.  Whatever. Can it really be that much worse than a lecture hall full of inflated 20 year old egos?

Today, the right path seems clear to me. I need to look back on this and see if it stays that way after this upcoming interview and the end of the semester. I hope it does, and I hope I can make it work. I want stability. I want stability as much as (more than?) I want to breathe.

Still questioning....

I'm 75% through my first academic year.  How has it gone?  For the most part, not disasterous.  Dream job? Hell no.

For one, I don't want to work this hard. It's a ridiculous pace. I don't even know if having the four-month summer without classes will make up for it. It's not "off", not by a long shot. It's just different.

I also hate giving students bad grades. It has to be done, when they earned 'em, but I really, really hate it. Students crying in my office, or angry at me, flipping off insults... It happens. Students want great marks and think they deserve them because they paid tuition. Sometimes they do things wrong. Sometimes they fail. They need to fail to learn. But I hate, hate being the one to fail them. It's misery.

I'm having problems in one of my courses. Really, considering that I had basically no prep time for the slew of new courses I'm giving, it's amazing that it's happening in only one course. But still. It sucks. Students are angry. A minority like the course, but the majority are flinging the insults and bad evaluations and are just pissed off. Are they justified? Maybe they're justified to some degree -- the course is clearly not what it would have been if I had a couple months to prepare it. But they way they're going about expressing their dissatisfaction is immature, insulting, demoralizing.  I dread stepping into the classroom at this point. I would love to just not show up. It's misery.

This year was a trial run. I wanted to see if the professor thing was right for me. I'm thinking maybe it's not. The thing is, I would rather be DOING it than teaching it. They say once I've taught the same courses for a few years running it becomes much easier and I can spend more time on research. I'm not sure that's good enough.  Or am I just reacting to that one shitty course?

I talked about sacrifice a while back. What am I willing to sacrifice and what am I not?  I want a life. I want a job that is relatively meaningful, but I don't at all about things like prestige. I would really like to live in the city of my choice.

It seems to me that a few months back I was thinking I'd be willing to sacrifice the city to have this type of job. Now I feel like I'd rather change jobs than live in a crap town like this one. Ghad, and I still questioning my career path all these years later?

This week, I applied for a non-academic job in the city I want to live in.  I would LOVE to get this job. It would be a dream job. I would leave academia in a heartbeat.  Will I get it? I doubt it. I'm overeducated but underqualified. I've got the advanced degree, but it's not in quite the right area and I've never worked in quite the right area. It's a pretty desirable job, I'm thinking, due to the organization and the city and all the rest. Can I somehow shape myself toward that job?

I also keep going back to this job, the non academic one I was talking about. I could do that. I could be satisfied with the meaningfulness of it. It is in the city I want to be in. I could have a life outside of work. I could have job stability, which is just a nightmare in academia right now.  Once I get through this next academic job talk, I think I'll clean up my c.v. and send it to them again. They're not advertising for the job, but I want them to remember me.