Teaching independence

As I wade my way through my first school year, this is my first bona fide post on teaching. Instead of just complaining about life, that is. But don't worry, dear internet, there will still be some complaining to be had. I gotta be me.

A huge part of a university degree is learning about how to learn independently. How do you teach independence? Before university, they've basically been spoon fed. Here's the material. Learn it. Vomit it up on a test. Good job, A+.  Honestly, a lot of bachelor's level courses are the same way - but from grad school on, it doesn't work.  I've known multiple people who have dropped out of grad school or languished there for eons because they couldn't figure this out. They still expect to be spoon fed, and get frustrated with the professors when it doesn't happen. It's always the professor's fault, of course.

As a fledging professor, I'm trying, trying, to shape these students to prepare them for grad school, should they choose to go that way. If they don't decide to go to grad school, that's fine, since these skills will serve them well in real jobs too. But it's grad school I focus on, because that's where so, so many students fail.

In our standard course evaluations, one of the questions students have to rate says something like "in this course, I learn how to learn."  Funny thing, a bunch of students responded "not applicable" last semester. I had made what I felt was Herculean efforts in that course to teach students how to figure these things out on their own. I taught them the material, but I also taught them new ways of approaching the material. Not applicable?

So, here I am, at it again. I have an upper year optional course -- full of students who really are candidates for grad school. In this particular course, figuring out how to do it on their own is almost as important as understanding the material itself. I spoon feed a little bit in class, and then I give them TOOLS - lots of really good tools, with instructions to use these tools to help them understand the material. Do they do it?

Of course not.

I did a quickie informal assessment today, to make sure I was on the right track in this new, challenging course.  For the most part, all is well and I'm very happy with my work.  The few negative comments I received? Every single one could be traced back to the fact that the students haven't used the tools I gave them.

At some point, the students need to take responsibility for themselves and their own learning. I need to come down on them on this point. But, I'm afraid that if I do, they'll evaluate me poorly.

How do you be a hardass about things when your teaching evaluations are so important? This is my first year. Whether or not I get a second year depends largely on my teaching evaluations. Do I sacrifice what I believe they need - a hardass teacher who refuses to spoon feed and who points it out to them - all for the sake of pretty evaluations that help me keep my job?

Evaluations aside, would being that hardass teacher actually teach them to take responsibility for their own learning? (Shouldn't they already be doing that, as university students?)

Not fucking applicable. 


When does it get easier?


And, more importantly, do I want to stick around until it does? Or can I find a way to go back to research?

Purpose, direction, happiness

I feel like I've been at this for a long time. Not the profersorly thing. The life choices thing. Trying to figure out what choices I need to make in order to be happy.  Usually a big part of it has been waiting -- or at least continuing going through the motions until time allows me to get to where I want to be, at which point I will be happy.


My quitting date, so I can go back to school
My school year, so I'm a graduating student
My next school year, so I'm a grad student
My next school year, so I'm collecting data
My next school year, so I'm finishing up
My next year, so I can defend
My next year, so I'm a post-doc
My next year, so I'm a professor

My next year? So I have a stable job, rather than contractual?

Is that what I need to be happy?

Cut the crap, self. Yeah, I want the stable job, but it's just a detail. The big things will still be the same. I will still be me. I will probably still be going through the motions, shooting for something else that's just out of reach.

So the question, I guess, can I be basically happy the way my life is now? Yeah, there are a few tweaks in order, but they're really just tweaks. This is, more or less, the way things will be if I continue on my current route.

Something's missing, of that I'm sure. But maybe all it is is that sense of missingness that really is the human condition. Really, I've got things okay. Things could be better, but they could always be better, just like they could always be worse. Right now, life is okay.

I think.

If this is my career course (which it appears to be) and if this is my personal life (I have no reason to believe that will change, as it's always been pretty much the way it is now), then this is pretty much the way life will be until death or retirement changes it, unless I take some giant leaps to change it.  I don't see the giant leaps happening -- been there, done that, thankyouverymuch.

So, is this life okay? Is this purpose enough? Is my direction right? That is what I ponder, this day.

And we're off...

The semester has started and I'm still alive.  It's going to be an intense semester, but that horror and panic I was feeling a few days back? Completely unnecessary. Note to self: don't panic.

I'm still pondering, of course, whether this is really what I want to be doing. Honestly, it really is way too much teaching. It's never ending. I miss research. I really miss research. If I could be doing half this much teaching, it would be better. If I could be doing a third or a quarter as much teaching? That would be ideal.

I've heard so many criticisms of professors who don't care about teaching - why are they there, anyway? It's so unfair to the students! etc. etc. The thing is, the Ph.D. isn't for people who want to be teachers. It's for people who love research.  The only way a person embarks on a Ph.D. and gets through it successfully is if they love research. Then, you get to the end, and you discover that the only way you can get a job is if you spend 80% (90%, 99%) of your time teaching.

How do I get back to research?

Maybe I'm still panicking after all.  Maybe I need to get a little further into this semester and see where it leads. Maybe I'll adore my job once I'm more well prepared. Maybe......  Maybe a Ph.D. took way too many years to do just to end up with a job that's "maybe" okay.

Or maybe I'm just impossible to please.

Terror

A new semester starts tomorrow. Why do I feel terror?  I mean, last semester went well.  Yeah, it was intense, but I made it through, had good relationships with my students, had a bit of fun, and even got good evaluations.  I should be reassured and confident, no?  For whatever reason, NO.

What's different this semester? Well, I'm not nearly as well prepared. There just wasn't any time to build my new course. I have way more students than I did last semester. I have the looming "threat" of having to prepare job talks and find time to go do them.

But this semester I don't have the pressure of having to try to build next semester's course while giving courses at the same time. That's gotta count for something, no?

Or maybe I'll always feel like this at the beginning of a semester? I sure hope not. How much of this can a guy take?

Maybe it'll just be at the beginning of semesters with new courses. Maybe it'll fade. Or maybe it's that somewhere deep down I know this semester is going to be a total disaster.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Ugh.

Gearing up for semester #2

A month off between semesters - that'll give me time to finish preparing my courses. WHAT? Where the hell did my month go??

Between grading, finalizing last semester's courses, catching up on the thousands of things I had been putting off until December, taking one much-needed week off, and, oh yeah, applying for jobs, I barely touched my January courses. So here I am, just days away from a new semester, and my courses are a very shaky, very drafty, unfinished mess.

How am I going to do this?  I guess the old adage will have to apply - one day at a time.  Will I be able to do it and not burn out?

What happens when EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of the schools I applied to invite me out for a campus tour? How am I going to fit that into my schedule? Because y'all know it's going to happen, dear friends. Every.Single.One (in my dreams).  Seriously though, even one or two... I don't know how I'll do it while trying to paste together these courses at the last minute, as I go.

The good news is that last semester, although much of the time I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants, my students reported in my course evaluations that I was always prepared. Score. Idiots.

I don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I don't want to do this again. This is just too many courses to be preparing for the first time. I at least need some repeats. Right?

Or is this just the pre-semester panic talking?

*sigh*

I guess I have a couple months to figure it out. If things end up going better than I think they will, maybe I'll change my tune. If they're as bad as the currently feel like they will be.... non-academic job search??? Why does that still feel like such a cop-out?

One day at a time. I'm ready for Monday. I'm even ready for Tuesday. For now, that'll have to do.