The semester has started and I'm still alive. It's going to be an intense semester, but that horror and panic I was feeling a few days back? Completely unnecessary. Note to self: don't panic.
I'm still pondering, of course, whether this is really what I want to be doing. Honestly, it really is way too much teaching. It's never ending. I miss research. I really miss research. If I could be doing half this much teaching, it would be better. If I could be doing a third or a quarter as much teaching? That would be ideal.
I've heard so many criticisms of professors who don't care about teaching - why are they there, anyway? It's so unfair to the students! etc. etc. The thing is, the Ph.D. isn't for people who want to be teachers. It's for people who love research. The only way a person embarks on a Ph.D. and gets through it successfully is if they love research. Then, you get to the end, and you discover that the only way you can get a job is if you spend 80% (90%, 99%) of your time teaching.
How do I get back to research?
Maybe I'm still panicking after all. Maybe I need to get a little further into this semester and see where it leads. Maybe I'll adore my job once I'm more well prepared. Maybe...... Maybe a Ph.D. took way too many years to do just to end up with a job that's "maybe" okay.
Or maybe I'm just impossible to please.
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