Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sacrifice


How much should a person sacrifice for academia?

Years ago, when I went back to school, it was the right decision. But I had planned to go back for 2 years, not the better part of a decade. Once wrapped up in academia, where the prevailing attitude is that you either go all the way or you're a failure, I ended up going all the way.  Parts of this are right for me. I can do it, intellectually, but oh what I have sacrificed to do it.

I have been a foreigner for most of my adult life. I know, a TON of people do it, living as a foreigner. But there's no denying it can be hard.  Meeting people and developing a social life have never been my strong suits, even as a child. Living as an adult in a very homogeneous society where I'm an outsider, well... let's just say it wasn't great for my social life.

What does this have to do with my sacrifices for academia?  I wanted to leave there for years. I wanted to leave before going back to school, but I decided to do it locally because it was "easier". I cringed, but I committed to those two years of education as an outsider. Then, somehow, I got sucked into the academic mindset and found myself doing a Ph.D., still locally, where I was an outsider in a homogeneous land where it is pretty much impossible to break into the social scene if you have an accent that marks you as hailing from more than about an hour and a half drive away.

At the end of the Ph.D., I finally jumped ship and moved to a city I love. My goal there, to get the rubber stamp on my Ph.D. (defend), get a stable job I enjoy, and start working on my social life -- start repairing some of the damage done by living for so many years as an outsider. It was going to finally be time to give some time to me.

Ha!  I've been living in the city I love for two years now, but I've been applying for academic jobs across the country for half of that.   Why?  Somehow I guess I got sucked into the academic mindset again that says you have to go all the way or you're a failure. If you're not doing a traditional academic job, like a professorship, you're doing it wrong.  So, here I am, doing it.

Sacrifice.  I am sacrificing the city I love. I am sacrificing a city where I feel I could actually be at home. I am sacrificing the small gains I've made in my social life. I'm picking up, yet again, and going to a dirty two-horse town for a professor job. And, here's the real kicker, it's a temporary job. It's a contract, renewable, which means that I still can't settle down and feel stable, because I'll only be moving on again, but who knows when.

You know the stereotype?  The gawky professor who's whole life revolves around work? Who has no friends, no family, no social life, but is married to his work?  Turns out that's me.

Sacrifice, oh what I'm sacrificing for this job.

For the coming year, I'm scared.  This city is SO not me. I know I will hate it, and I will hate the limbo caused by the temporary nature of the job.  And I'm afraid that my hatred for the city will rub off. I don't know if I will love being a professor. If I don't love it, will that reaction be real, or will it be my hatred for the city rubbing off on the job? Will I ruin the whole professor stream for myself because I've accepted an offer from a two-bit school in a two-horse town?  Is it even POSSIBLE for me to be happy in this job in this city?

I'm working prophylactically. I’m making a few decisions that are costly ones but that give me some shred of hope that I’ll be happy in this location. I don’t know if it’s enough. Ghad, I hope it is. I don’t know where I’m going, but I'm afraid for myself in the year ahead