A(nother) New Job - The Job

So, I got the job. Or a version of it. I didn't get the continuing position that was posted, but I got a contract position. I was rated number 2?  Okay, not ideal, but I'm taking it.

Tomorrow I give notice at my current job, where I've been working for less than three months, a month of which I was away. She is not going to be happy. But the job is a disaster, so you do what you have to do. Wish me luck, dear internet. I'll be trying to be nice and not burn bridges, but sometimes it's hard.

The new job? I start it in the new year. It'll be my sixth new job in the last three years. For someone who has been looking so hard for stability in life, I've sure moved around a lot.

I'm excited about the potential in this job. I will learn a lot. I will learn more there than I did in post-doc. I will get my career on the right path. And it's what I need to buy my condo.

I'm nervous about the job because I spent too long idealizing it and, let's face it, any job sucks at times. I'm also nervous because I've had a rough, rough fall and I hope I'm up to it. And because I'm rusty on the work I'll be doing and I hope I'll do okay. And because I have to do better than okay or the contract will expire and I'll be without a job.

This is good news. Stressful, of course, but very, very good news. I am hopeful.

In the meantime, there's the holidays, in the sunny south.

all the while I'm wondering, what will the new year bring?

The job

Remember the job I didn't get a year and a half ago and I've kept talking about ever since? I talked about it here, and here, and a few other places too.

It's the job I nearly got just before getting the professor position. It's the job I've been thinking about ever since. It's the job that gave me (arrogant) confidence when I decided to leave the professor position. It's the only job that I feel really fits my profile. It's the job I really wanted when I settled for the messy one I'm doing now. It's obscure and they have few competitors, none locally in the city I chose.

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview for exactly that job.

Wish me luck, dear internet.

Post-academic crash

I dunno. Did I make the right decision? Shitville was not the place for me. But could I have made it work? Or was I headed down this same path regardless of The Decision.

This blog is still super-anonymous, right? Can I say this stuff here? The two or three real-life people who know who I am (*wave*)... they're okay. I think they all are. Have I shared this with anyone who's not safe? This post might not stay up for long.

So, post-academic crash. That's what I'm in.

A year in review? I was "miserable" in shitville, but I was working, I was engaged, I was busy, I was functional. I made that gut-wrenching decision to move back to sparkling-shiny-city-I-love, and I was on the top of the world. For three weeks. Then I crashed.

No job. No prospects. No life.

Then came the job I got. It's a job. It pays the bills, when I go to it. I'm over-educated and under-qualified. Before taking the job, I believed in what they did. Now that I've seen the inside workings of this organization, I'm aghast that they get the public funding that they do. They don't deserve it. It's a fucking train wreck.

So, what did this job do to my post-academic crash? It sent me spinning out of control.

***edited out***

That, my friend(s), is what happened when I left academia.

I don't know where I'm going from here. I have absolutely, positively no fucking clue where I'm headed from here.

Who am I kidding?  Academia was all I had in my life that worked. And I left it. So here I am, a non-academic, and the bottom has dropped out of my world.

I have a job.

I have a job and I start tomorrow.

It's not my dream job, but it's a job, and it's in my academic area, if not my skill set.

Honestly, I'm over-educated and underqualified for this job. I don't have the experience required to do some of the tasks -- a LOT of the tasks, I fear, and my research skills will not be utilized. God, am I going to miss research.

It's something, though. It's something to try. It can help me gain experience in something that's more marketable than the academic stuff. And, who knows, maybe I'll like it.

My goal when I quit my adjunct position was to move home (check), get a job (check), buy a condo, and develop a life outside of work. It hasn't been the easiest road in the past few months, but objectively speaking, I am on track.

And the adventure continues....

Back to school... without me

So, it's back-to-school season, y'all. This week I would be presenting my syllabi, meeting my students, dressing up and going to work like a real professional, bitching with the profs in the lounge...

Instead, I sit on my sofa and watch the world go by, working piece-meal freelance jobs for total crap pay.

Do I love the city? Yes.
Do I love my current situation? Hell no.
Did I do the right thing? I hope so.

It's hard. There are NO jobs out there for academics. Within academia or without. I don't even get interviews. My skills are not marketable. I've been completely ignored by that company I was counting on, despite a couple of interesting job postings. I've been ignored about other really interesting jobs I would have been happy to do, but that request someone with a master's. I've been ignored by so many companies that it's feeling pointless to even apply.

So I sit on my sofa.

I hated that two-bit town. I had to leave it. I didn't love the job. So what does it all mean?

Was I wrong to quit and move back? No, that can't be it. The mistake must have been earlier. Doing the Ph.D.... an unemployable Ph.D.  Think before you jump. Make sure your Ph.D. is a marketable one. Don't assume you'll be employable because you're educated and good at what you do. The jobs have to be out there.

Too late for me...

Something will come through, eventually. My expectations are changing. I just want something with a decent salary. It doesn't have to be meaningful work in my field (*sigh*). I just need to start getting by...

So, here I am...

So, here I am. I quit academia. I moved back to the city of my choosing. And here I sit, and sit, and sit.

I have no job. I have no clear job prospects. I have few marketable skills. I don't really know anyone here. How was this a good idea??

I mean, I know it was. It had to happen. But. Yeah, I just ain't living the dream right now.

I'm trying to figure out my direction.

I have a possibility of finding a little niche in a community organization I believe in -- a place where I could probably be me, all of me, even the parts of me that I don't publicly acknowledge.  It would probably pay poorly and be an unstable position. Right now, I'm feeling like it's where I need to be. But that might just be because I need something.

The other somethings that come up though? Yeah, I'm not feeling them. The jobs posted that sort of fit my profile are nearly all to work under a PI in an academic setting. So, I'm not leaving academia, but I'm rather putting myself in a position of inferiority to an academic. Shoot me.

There's so little else available, I've been applying to these positions. Maybe I should stop. Right now, I'm feeling like I should put my energies into the potential of a low-paying job in a community organization that feels comfortable, in a place I can be accepted, and even needed. I can contribute there -- really contribute -- but also learn. They wouldn't be able to keep me busy in research, so I would learn other skills. And it would be comfortable, really comfortable.

The pay would probably suck. Did I go in this for the money? No, of course not. But taking a substantial pay cut after a Ph.D., potentially making even less than I did with only a bachelor's, well, that would suck.

Priorities... what are they... still trying to work it all out.

Now what?

So, I quit my professor job. I moved back to the city I consider home. I unpacked (mostly).

Now what?

I don't have a job. I'm not an academic anymore. I am unemployed. I am most definitely burned out. I am not motivated to search for a job. I'm most definitely not motivated to BE the Ph.D. sort of person. I don't have it in me to network and be a fake me.

I kind of just want to flip hamburgers at McDonald's or something. Except I want to be paid well for doing it. *sigh*

I don't know where I'm going, but somehow I have to start doing something.

I'm home.

Yup, it's done. I left my adjunct professor position with a high chance of eventual tenure. I moved home, without a job.

It was the right decision, dear Internet, I have no doubts about that. It was so right, I'm not quite sure if the whole professor thing ever happened at all. It just feels right.

Never mind that I'm unemployed. *ah-hem*
.
.
.
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Yeah, so, the job search.

I have an interview coming up. It's an interview for a contract research position, working under a PI. I already spoke to the PI on the phone and the first thing she asked me was to tell her how wonderful she is. I'm thinking working under a PI ain't going to work for me. The plan was to leave academia. Working under an academic PI is not leaving academia. I've done this before and I have a pretty good idea how it'll work out: I'll be shit on on a regular basis, treated like some kind of moron, not a professional.

I'm going to the interview and putting a decent foot forward, but make no mistake, my friend(s), I'm interviewing them.  I need to decide whether this is the right job or not. Likely not, actually, but it might do for a while, allowing me to pay the rent while I look for something else. Or it might not. We'll see.

And then there's still the job. You know, the non-academic job I applied for over a year ago and have been coveting ever since.  It hasn't been posted again, but a "lower ranked" job at the same company was posted and I applied for it. I haven't heard. And then, today, another job was posted at the same company. This one is, let's say, "middle ranked," meaning I think it's higher than that last one, but not as good as the one I covet.  I guess I need to apply to this one too. I am sort of afraid I'm going to come across as begging for anything at all. Desperation. Really, I just feel like it's pretty close to the only company that would work for me.

There was another one that I applied for. It was flashy and awesome and perfect and I would have loved it. They were looking for someone with a master's, not a Ph.D., which is actually more interesting to me.  I applied when it was posted, then contacted them a couple days ago to give them my change of address. They replied saying they had shortlisted people already and I'm not in.  I could SO have done that job, long term, and been happy. I think it's a case of a boss with a master's not wanting to have a Ph.D. under him.  Dammit, I never should have done the damned Ph.D.

Anyway, I'm home and I'm happy. But, of course, the drama continues while I hunt for a long-term job.  In the meantime, I'll just enjoy being home and let the memories of that two-horse town slip away.

At least, I'm trying to leave academia.

I got another interview - at the only other job I applied for that was actually looking for someone with a Ph.D. It's academic research.  The universe wants to keep me in academia.  It's not my dream job, but it would work for a while.

Except, of course, it's a term position. These term positions are driving me mad, but that's all there is. How does one buy a house a one one-year term? How does one make a home, a life? Even if I get the offer, and even if I take it, I'll still have to keep looking for something for next year...

But it's something. Do I turn down the offer of something (if I were to get the offer) just because it's not quite right? How long will it be until the next offer comes?

Leaving academia is turning out to be hard to do.

Moving home... and feeling zen

Since I quit my adjunct job and don't have another job lined up, I should be stressed out, no?  Shouldn't I be panicking looking for a new job, wondering how I'll pay my rent, how I'll save this career after dropping out of the academic rat race?

Nope

I'm feeling zen. It just feels right. I've got a couple months of coasting, where I still have the income to pay the rent, and I'm just going with it.  I'm sort of watching for jobs and I'll apply for any really good ones. But applying like mad for anything and everything? Nah.  I'm taking this as a vacation.

Packing is a bitch. I'm ahead of schedule though, so all is well. Y'all think I'm in a hurry to get out of this two-bit town? Yes, yes I am.

I still don't know what's ahead of me, but I have peace now, knowing that it will work out.

Despite how much I agonized over this decision, the feeling that it was the right one couldn't possibly be stronger. Life is good.

I did it.

I did it. I quit academia.

I'm leaving this two-bit town and returning home. I'm prioritizing my personal life over work. I'm not sacrificing my home in order to be a professor.

It was a hard, hard decision, but I know it was the right one. I feel so relieved.

Of course, now I'm applying for anything and anything in my destination city, just to pay the rent. Wouldn't you know it? The first job interview I land is for a temporary contract as an academic researcher.

What??? I thought I quit academia???

I don't want the temp. I don't want the contracts. I don't want the world of academia where you're always supposed to do more. It's a big position and would be a challenge. I don't really feel like I want a challenge at this point. I'm a little burned out from this year's professorship. I kinda want to coast for a bit.   But the topic of this research? It's something I really, really believe in. I would be doing good.

I will go to the interview and see. I wish I didn't have to keep making the decision, but it seems that is how it might be.

On a happy note, I'M GOING HOME!!!  Ghad, I'm so happy to be leaving this town.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I have a feeling it will be good, one way or another.

Year one wrap-up

I just read through most of my blog. The whole point of this was to track my progress over my first year to figure out if this is what I want to do.

Wow. Based on my writing, no.  I've been pretty negative, y'all.  I forgot how much I hesitated to come here in the first place, how much I only considered this a short-term gig in the first place...

I can't do this long term. My negativity is not just immediate, stress based. I've been negative about this job from the beginning.

When I was pondering academia vs non-academic jobs a year ago, I was talking about the negative attitudes in academia if you go to industry and sort of feeling like it would be a failure. I know those attitudes are there, but I don't feel them anymore. I'm okay with it. That is what I need to do.

I'm still waiting to hear what they offer me here for next year, but I hope it will be bad, I think. I want to leave and a bad offer will make it easier to leave. I want to make that decision. I need to make it, soon, to move on with my life.

...

They're screwing with me again. Every time I think I have things decided, they screw with me. Apparently they can do whatever they want to make my life hell because I'm an adjunct, and adjuncts are willing to put up with anything and everything in order to have their precious job.

I know, I know, dear Internet. You're saying, "he decided". Yeah, I did. But then they screwed with my mind again. They offered me something awesome. Then they took it away again. Then they asked me to just wait.

I hate this two-bit town. But maybe, just maybe, I could make it work if I set myself up right. This job is far from perfect, but it has a lot going for it all the same. If I could make it to tenure and make it mine, I could actually be here long term.

But I hate this two-bit town. Let's be honest, this town doesn't even have two bits. It's a one-bit town. It's dirty and grimy and gross. I have a job though.

I've been shipping out resumes to every semi-okay-ish position in the town I want to be in, for a month now. Nobody has contacted me. Moving back there with no job leads whatsoever scares the shit out of me. How hard is it to get a job from a distance though? Are they reading my resume and saying "yeah, but he's millions of miles away in that one-bit town"?

I need a crystal ball, I need a sign, I need a psychic, I need something to hang on to -- not that I believe in any of that, but oh how nice it would be. Just tell me what to do, dear Internet.

Jobs, jobs, jobs

How does an academic get a regular job?  I've submitted my resume to two dozen non-academic positions in the last two weeks. Some are a good fit, some are a stretch.  All are a challenge when I'm trying to figure out the cover letter and resume.

Dear people. I have a Ph.D, but I'm not motivated enough to do a Ph.D. level job, so I'm applying to your undergraduate level job. Maybe I'll like it, or maybe I'll dump y'all as soon as something better comes up. Please hire me anyway. Sincerely, Joe Blow.

Yeah, I haven't gotten any calls yet.

How do I get a regular job.... how, how, how. I really feel like I need something if I'm going to make this big move. I've gotten to the point that I really, really don't want to be here for another year. But I need something to go to.

Of course, the plans for next year here at dead-end college are advancing and I can't tell them I'm (maybe) leaving yet. So, that's stressful. I can't seem to commit to here no matter what happens, because I know that if ever THAT JOB I originally considered comes up, I'm applying for it and taking it (if offered) no matter what time it is in the academic year. October? Oh well, bye bye.  So, yeah, that's stressful. I'm feeling dishonest. I really don't want to screw them over. But what else can I do?

Stress level = 110%

End of incoherent, rambling post.

The shaping of a plan

I mentioned a plan not very long ago.  A plan for leaving academia.  Now, I need to shape that vague idea into something that can actually work.

How do you quit a good paying job to move across the country to an expensive city, with no job whatsoever?

I need a plan.

This decision is not just about a job. It's about life. This is my new life direction. This place I need to move to -- it is where I will live long term. It is where I will settle and make my life. I hope to come up with a decent job there, I don't need the perfect job right away. If I wait until the perfect job comes up, I'll never get there.

I've started applying to jobs. The fun part is that non-academic jobs are so much easier to apply for. There aren't tons of them out there, but there have been a few. If I keep applying, maybe something will come through for me.  Maybe something good. If not?

I finish up this semester, get it all packaged and done, then I do what I have to do to get something, anything, in the place I need to be.  I call temp agencies if I have to.  A six month contract, a four month contract, something to get me moved there and settled, with a home in a very central location. Then I have time to work on something more solid and stable.

Thinking of the concrete timeline scares me to death. In XX weeks I have to start packing, in XX weeks I have to tell my boss, in XX weeks I have to go find an apartment.  Ugh!! I'm not there yet. One step at a time.

So, the current step includes this:

• Finish up the academic term
• Scour the internet for job postings and apply for everything that fits
• Don't panic

I think that's all I have in the current step.  I can cut down on my stress by telling myself it's still reversible at this point. But, I don't want to reverse it. I can make this work.

I CAN make this work. For me, for my life, for my own wellbeing. There's more to this than just work. There's stability, there's social life, there's health and happiness. I don't think I can have those here. 

Leaving academia

Bad news on the academic job front.  None of those applications are going anywhere. But here's the real kicker -- it looks like even this hick town, two-bit job I currently have isn't going anywhere.  I think it's over.

They have this attitude that new PhD graduates will do anything to get professor experience, and therefore it's okay to give them shitty work conditions, because they'll still be happy to have at least that.  Well, that ain't the case for me. I'm not THAT into being a professor. I don't carry the academic snobbery view that only academia is success, that getting a "real" job is a sign of failure.  Nope, I don't buy it at all.

The job conditions in my current job just got a whole lot worse. I won't explain why, because I want to maintain anonymity with my one anonymous blog reader (hi there!!).  But the conditions just got worse to an extent that it's not really feasible for me to stay here.

And anyway, I don't really want it.

I read this blog, and this post, and while it's not me, I can see it becoming me so easily. The words sound like me. They are what I will become if I try to make academia work.  Everything she says -- quantity over quality, work over any semblance of a personal life, never good enough.  I hear my voice in that post and I don't want that to become me. So, considering the lack of offers, all my year's worth of mulling it over, and the nose-dive in my work conditions where I currently am, I guess the decision is that I'm leaving.

The tricky part?  Finding a new job, of course.

So, here I am, sending out the regular job applications for regular jobs. You know, a cover letter and a two-page resume. Not a hundred pages. Unfortunately, I always look over-educated and under-qualified. Nobody is calling me.

I will move, since the only reason I'm in hickville is for this job. But I have to coordinate the move with, you know, the details of life.  I have to find a new job, if only a temporary one in my destination city. I need something though to make the move work from a logistics standpoint (rent, contracts...). I need hope. I'd really like some reassurance that it'll work.

Seriously, something has to be out there for me. Something decent. Can I find it? Can I find a version of it within the tight timelines that life imposes on us?

I so want to get this done. Anyone want to come help me pack?

Should I stay or should I go now...

With the summer session heading this way, the joys and disasters of this job are switching places on the scale.

I've said all along that one reason I'm not sure about this job is that I don't want to work this hard. But you know what? With summer just around the corner, the workload has already gone way, way down.  And it's going to go down even further.

Of course, there's research. I have to do some of that. But I like doing that. And seriously, at this tiny little college, the expectations are pretty low. I can do what they need me to do.  This summer, I'll be building new courses for next year (assuming I'm staying). Next summer, I'll probably have another course or two to build. But after that, dear reader(s), I'm in the clear. Teaching will become easier when I've taught it all before and I'll have a third of the calendar year with basically nothing on the schedule, other than the self-directed stuff I choose to put on there. That sounds pretty sweet.

Is it realistic to work like a maniac for 8 months to have 4 months of reasonable schedule?  Maybe not. But that 8 months of mania won't have to be mania once I've got my courses under my belt. It could end up being 8 months of regular full time work, but not excessive, and 4 months of bliss. That, I can do.

Advantages of the University of Shitville: It's small, so their standards are low. While there's a ginormous teaching load, that means I can have variety and I can teach a couple fun courses that I want to teach. Of course, the flip side is that it's so small I have no colleagues and along with the fun courses I have to teach shit I don't know or care about.

And then there's the whole Shitville component. Let me tell ya, y'all, I still ain't in love with this grungy little town.  The neighborhood I'm in now is gross, gross, gross. But I can relocate to the sort-of-almost-livable area and maybe be okay.  It's not where I want to be, not by a long shot, but that job talk I just flew out to showed me that it could be worse on many levels. Not dirtier, but a whole lot smaller.

Why does the decision have to be so hard?  The "good" news is that it's not really a decision yet since nobody is exactly offering me another job anywhere else, despite the resumes that continue to go out.

Waffling. Should I stay or should I go?

It all seemed so clear a week ago. Since then, I seem to have found new perspective, for whatever reason.

The semester is beginning to wind down... or it will be very soon. Already, my workload has lightened up, as I don't have a whole semester looming ahead of me. The rest of the semester is prepped, with a few minor exceptions.

And THIS is what it will usually be like once I have my courses under me.  I'll have my material ready, my ppt prepard, damn, even my exams will be done and ready to roll, with only minor tweaking. It'll be a breeze, comparatively speaking.

If I want to do the professor thing, this is a decent place to do it. Tenure is pretty much a sure thing if you're doing a decent job. That means I could hunker down for the next year or two until things are solid, then the teaching will be a whole lot easier and I can actually do a bit of research, without the pressure of the big colleges. And I can have.... a life!  Ya think?

This city is not what I would choose, but I saw at that job talk that it could be a whole lot worse.  Maybe I can make this work. Maybe I should. Maybe this is what's best for me....

Dizzying. I wish I could stick with a decision.  Of course, if I stick with one decision and can't make it happen, that's not good, so maybe the waffling is a good thing. It means I'm open to many possibilities, and whatever works, works?

I think I'll go buy some waffles.

Growing acceptance

This new plan of mine is starting to feel comfortable. I think I'm leaving academia.

I sent off two non-academic job applications today - one for a posted position and one for that job that I didn't get last year. It's not posted, but hey, I reiterated my interest in case they should need someone.

The number one criteria this time: location. I need to be where I need to be. I had to fly through that coveted city yesterday and it was agony not to be able to just stay. It's home.  So, I will make it home again.

Other criteria?  I want there to be some sort of data analysis involved.  I don't want it to be in academia if it means I'm working under a PI in an academic setting. I'm comfortable with a community organization, healthcare organization, etc.

It's a real problem, ths Ph.D. thing. You see, "my field" is not actually a marketable field. There's almost nothing I can actually do. There's one job. It's that job I keep talking about. I want it, I need it.

So, now I have to get through the end of the semester without killing any students. I have to find a job. I have to leave this one in some way even though there will be contract issues at some point. I have to NOT follow through on any of the academic job applications I put out there (this one could be tough - if the opportunity comes up, will I have the courage not to take it?)

Fast forward... let's get this done.

Well, I ain't gettin' that job

Did I sabotage the interview because I don't want to live there? Because I don't want to teach? Or just because I legitimately suck at this?

I had no time to prepare, but honestly, I could have found a little more time. I just didn't want to. This topic does not interest me and I had to teach a new class in front of a bunch of uninterested first-year students.

Maybe I was too daunted by my real 1st year class that hates me. Maybe I just wanted to make sure I don't get the offer, so I don't have to turn it down and so I don't cave to academic presser and accept the damned thing.

I really do think it's time to step up my non-academic job search.  Timing it will be hard. I don't want to leave my college screwed over. People tell me I should take the job non-academic job whenever it comes, even if it means I jump ship mid semester. I would feel really, reallyCobad doing that. But. What do I do? If I've been looking for a good job for months and it finally comes through in October?

Anyway, one step at a time. Clean up my non-a resume and get started.  Count this professor thing as a moderate success considering the situation, but not what I choose for myself. Move on.

A plan?

Today I feel like I've come down to a plan of action. I don't know if it's just today or if it will stick, but here it is.

I've been feeling sick ever since I was shortlisted at this mid-range college in a two-horse town. Like, really, two horses. Way, way, way smaller than where I'm living now, and this town feels too small for me.  I've been coming up with every reason in the book to not want to do the interview, but the fact is, it's all about location, location, location.

I talked a while back about sacrifice -- about how much I was willing to sacrifice for this job.  I feel like I may be willing to sacrifice THE city of my choosing, maybe even the region of the country of my choosing, but I've decided that I'm not willing to sacrifice city living. I'm a city person. That is where I belong. I will not be happy in a hick town.

So, I do the interview, although it will take me days to fly across the country. I'll discover a state I've never been to and a college I don't know a lot about. I probably won't get the offer, but if I do, I will turn it down Ahhh, I hope I have the courage to do this. But I cannot move across the country to go to that. I just can't.

I've got a few other applications out there in larger places. Well, one in a small place and a few in larger, doable places. If any of those come through, I might go for it. Failing that though, I use the probability of renewal here as a way for me to have the summer or even the next year to look for a job in the city I want to live in.

That job, a year ago, that I came close to getting... I'll send off my info even though they're not advertising. Let them know I'm still interested. Look for other similar positions. I could even move back to that city on a contract, knowing I'll have the contract time to look for something else. If I make it MY city, my HOME, I will be able to find a way to make it work. No, the jobs might not always be perfect, and it might take me a couple years to get it right. It might even be expensive. But I cannot live in hickville, nope, can't do it.

People do it. They jump from contract to contract until the right thing comes up. I do see the occasional contract come up. Surely I can make it work?  It was hard last time, but not unreasonable (I think). In fact, if I had been willing to do the dishonorable thing and jump ship at an inconvenient time for my employer, I might have gotten that job I keep talking about.

If it takes me a year to get there, and another two years to get something stable *gulp*, that's better than a hicktown, right?  The time makes me nervous. I want stability more than I want to breathe, but I want it at home, and for whatever reason, that city feels like home. I'll do the professor thing in a similar and acceptable city, or the whatever-works thing in the city I want. Not the professor thing in hickville.

So, that's the plan. I hope I'm sticking to it.

Why I should leave academia

I've been throwing these ideas around all day and I want to get them down to look back on.  Will I always agree with the me of today?

Today I'm thinking that the right choice is to beg and plead professionally apply for that non-academic job I interviewed for a year ago.  I came close to getting it and I think there's a good chance I would have received the offer if it weren't for the timing. I asked for a little leeway to finish my post-doc and they took someone who didn't need that leeway.

I could try again. The job isn't posted, but they're large enough a company that they have 7-8 people in that position, so one has to come up now and then. In fact, one did come up about six months later, but I was already here starting the professor thing.

Advantages of that job:

• Location. That's where I want to be.
• Stability. The position is usually a continuing one, not contract. I could buy a home and make a home for myself. 
• The actual job. I would be doing what I am now only teaching.  I wouldn't just be explaining the basics to uninterested undergrads. I'd actually get to do the fun stuff myself.
• The quality of the work. This type of work does get done in academia and people tell me I will be able to do it once my courses are more solid. But seriously, this work, within academia, is shit quality. We don't have the resources to do it right. With this company, I would be able to do it by the book. 
• Skills development.  While as a professor I would be solidifying my knowledge of the basics, with this job I could actually develop my own higher level skills.
• Does not preclude teaching.  I could try for the best of both worlds. I can imagine that after doing it for a few years I could see if I could get a single course at a local college teaching this topic at its advanced level. I might even be able to get a day a week off for one semester a year or something like that. 
• No snotty undergrads. 'Nuf said.

Would it be perfect? Of course not. Nothing is. Let me see if I can figure out some of the possible disadvantages.

• Office hours. This is a double edged sword. I'd get my weekends, but the 9-5 thing would probably not be very flexible. It doesn't really bother me, but the flexibility is nice.
• Strict, limited vacation. Not much of it. I'd have to book in advance like regular folk. BUT, I could book it at any time of the year. Here, there's no way to do it during the semesters, no matter how important it may be.
• No sabbatical. But seriously, will I ever get to sabbatical?
• Academic egos. I was told in the interview that there was a lot of dealing with academic egos. I can easily imagine that there are academics who use the services of this company and think they're so much superior.  Whatever. Can it really be that much worse than a lecture hall full of inflated 20 year old egos?

Today, the right path seems clear to me. I need to look back on this and see if it stays that way after this upcoming interview and the end of the semester. I hope it does, and I hope I can make it work. I want stability. I want stability as much as (more than?) I want to breathe.

Still questioning....

I'm 75% through my first academic year.  How has it gone?  For the most part, not disasterous.  Dream job? Hell no.

For one, I don't want to work this hard. It's a ridiculous pace. I don't even know if having the four-month summer without classes will make up for it. It's not "off", not by a long shot. It's just different.

I also hate giving students bad grades. It has to be done, when they earned 'em, but I really, really hate it. Students crying in my office, or angry at me, flipping off insults... It happens. Students want great marks and think they deserve them because they paid tuition. Sometimes they do things wrong. Sometimes they fail. They need to fail to learn. But I hate, hate being the one to fail them. It's misery.

I'm having problems in one of my courses. Really, considering that I had basically no prep time for the slew of new courses I'm giving, it's amazing that it's happening in only one course. But still. It sucks. Students are angry. A minority like the course, but the majority are flinging the insults and bad evaluations and are just pissed off. Are they justified? Maybe they're justified to some degree -- the course is clearly not what it would have been if I had a couple months to prepare it. But they way they're going about expressing their dissatisfaction is immature, insulting, demoralizing.  I dread stepping into the classroom at this point. I would love to just not show up. It's misery.

This year was a trial run. I wanted to see if the professor thing was right for me. I'm thinking maybe it's not. The thing is, I would rather be DOING it than teaching it. They say once I've taught the same courses for a few years running it becomes much easier and I can spend more time on research. I'm not sure that's good enough.  Or am I just reacting to that one shitty course?

I talked about sacrifice a while back. What am I willing to sacrifice and what am I not?  I want a life. I want a job that is relatively meaningful, but I don't at all about things like prestige. I would really like to live in the city of my choice.

It seems to me that a few months back I was thinking I'd be willing to sacrifice the city to have this type of job. Now I feel like I'd rather change jobs than live in a crap town like this one. Ghad, and I still questioning my career path all these years later?

This week, I applied for a non-academic job in the city I want to live in.  I would LOVE to get this job. It would be a dream job. I would leave academia in a heartbeat.  Will I get it? I doubt it. I'm overeducated but underqualified. I've got the advanced degree, but it's not in quite the right area and I've never worked in quite the right area. It's a pretty desirable job, I'm thinking, due to the organization and the city and all the rest. Can I somehow shape myself toward that job?

I also keep going back to this job, the non academic one I was talking about. I could do that. I could be satisfied with the meaningfulness of it. It is in the city I want to be in. I could have a life outside of work. I could have job stability, which is just a nightmare in academia right now.  Once I get through this next academic job talk, I think I'll clean up my c.v. and send it to them again. They're not advertising for the job, but I want them to remember me.

Short listed

Ah, this is hard. Didn't I mention last year that this is hard??

I'm short listed.

I don't know whether to celebrate or cry.  When am I supposed to prepare a job talk? How am I supposed to travel when I'm supposed to be teaching? Do I really want to move to this place? Do I want tenure track, and hence the possibility of tenure, in THIS location?  Do I really want to put myself through another 18 hour job interview?

Yes, I guess I do. At least, some of it. So, why are my hands trembling?

Someone pour me a drink.

Collecting tips

I've come across a few tips lately that have made sense and will help me make my job a better one. I don't want to lose them.

The 85% rule : I can prepare to  100% ready for a course in six hours or 85% ready for a class in two hours and the only person who will notice the difference is me.  I think I kind of figured this one out on my own. Truth be told, I'm not at 85% these days. Closer to 70% most of the time. But the students don't seem to notice and I'm surviving the year. I must remember this one once 100% becomes a remote possibility.

Taking evenings and (gasp!) weekends off makes you more productive when you do work. I know this one. I maintained it for the most part through my Ph.D. I saw and still see so many academics around me who are "always" working, but yet they're always working at 50% productivity. They've got articles trailing around on the weekend, they feel like they're always on the clock, but they spend so much time in the staff room chatting. We all NEED down time. I work hard during regular office hours and I take my weekends off -- with the occasional exception, but as a general rule. I must remember this. August - October was a three-month exception and I hit burnout. I deserve time off and I should not feel guilty for taking it.  Tenure? Who knows. Maybe I'll never get it. Whatever. I've got to live.

I worked hard to get where I am, and now I have the right to make some decisions that put me first. I don't like the old hierarchy thing. My students want to see me? I want to be there for them. I don't want to be that annoying professor that puts himself first. But, you know what? I've worked hard to get where I am. One of the perks of being where I am is the flexible schedule. I can work from home on Fridays. I will work from home on Fridays. If Student XYZ wants to meet with me on Friday, sorry, she can come during my office hours. I'm not on campus on Fridays.  This may seem like a no brainer, but I'm only just getting it. I have this instinct to give up what I want in order to satisfy my students. No. This job is hard. It's intense. There are a few perks. Working from home on Fridays is one of those perks. I'm taking it, because I'm the professor and I can. It makes my life a little better, makes me a little less stressed, and therefore makes me a slightly better professor.

That's all for now, but there will be more. I want to keep track of these things I stumble across.

Random dribble

It's been just over a year since I started this blog. Ironically, I'm in the same spot as I was then.  Waiting. Wondering. Pondering. And waiting some more.

I have a handful of job applications out there and I'm waiting for some feedback. I know my application is stronger than it was last year. So, if I got two callbacks last year, I have to get something this year, right?  Or maybe not. Maybe the fit won't be right. Maybe I don't have the "right" ones this year.  Time will tell. So, I wait.

I wait and I work, that is. Because work is all I do.  The course overload handed out to this first-year professor? Ridiculous. There's no way anyone can develop and teach this many new courses and maintain an appropriate university level. It's just a sign that this is a really crappy school and they don't care about the quality of the education they're giving their students.

They also don't seem to care about faculty retention, which baffles me. Really, they could be at least making an effort to keep me. But, they're not, even though they do need someone in my position to keep the program running. I don't get it. Their behavior is really very baffling to me.

All the more reason to keep applying to new jobs.

I just want to know where I'll be in... what, six months?  It's deja vu all over again, that's for sure.

My patience is low, my dedication is lagging, my courses are increasingly crap because I haven't had any prep time whatsoever, and therefore my interest and conviction about what I do are.... low, really really low.

But tomorrow is another day.

Teaching independence

As I wade my way through my first school year, this is my first bona fide post on teaching. Instead of just complaining about life, that is. But don't worry, dear internet, there will still be some complaining to be had. I gotta be me.

A huge part of a university degree is learning about how to learn independently. How do you teach independence? Before university, they've basically been spoon fed. Here's the material. Learn it. Vomit it up on a test. Good job, A+.  Honestly, a lot of bachelor's level courses are the same way - but from grad school on, it doesn't work.  I've known multiple people who have dropped out of grad school or languished there for eons because they couldn't figure this out. They still expect to be spoon fed, and get frustrated with the professors when it doesn't happen. It's always the professor's fault, of course.

As a fledging professor, I'm trying, trying, to shape these students to prepare them for grad school, should they choose to go that way. If they don't decide to go to grad school, that's fine, since these skills will serve them well in real jobs too. But it's grad school I focus on, because that's where so, so many students fail.

In our standard course evaluations, one of the questions students have to rate says something like "in this course, I learn how to learn."  Funny thing, a bunch of students responded "not applicable" last semester. I had made what I felt was Herculean efforts in that course to teach students how to figure these things out on their own. I taught them the material, but I also taught them new ways of approaching the material. Not applicable?

So, here I am, at it again. I have an upper year optional course -- full of students who really are candidates for grad school. In this particular course, figuring out how to do it on their own is almost as important as understanding the material itself. I spoon feed a little bit in class, and then I give them TOOLS - lots of really good tools, with instructions to use these tools to help them understand the material. Do they do it?

Of course not.

I did a quickie informal assessment today, to make sure I was on the right track in this new, challenging course.  For the most part, all is well and I'm very happy with my work.  The few negative comments I received? Every single one could be traced back to the fact that the students haven't used the tools I gave them.

At some point, the students need to take responsibility for themselves and their own learning. I need to come down on them on this point. But, I'm afraid that if I do, they'll evaluate me poorly.

How do you be a hardass about things when your teaching evaluations are so important? This is my first year. Whether or not I get a second year depends largely on my teaching evaluations. Do I sacrifice what I believe they need - a hardass teacher who refuses to spoon feed and who points it out to them - all for the sake of pretty evaluations that help me keep my job?

Evaluations aside, would being that hardass teacher actually teach them to take responsibility for their own learning? (Shouldn't they already be doing that, as university students?)

Not fucking applicable. 


When does it get easier?


And, more importantly, do I want to stick around until it does? Or can I find a way to go back to research?

Purpose, direction, happiness

I feel like I've been at this for a long time. Not the profersorly thing. The life choices thing. Trying to figure out what choices I need to make in order to be happy.  Usually a big part of it has been waiting -- or at least continuing going through the motions until time allows me to get to where I want to be, at which point I will be happy.


My quitting date, so I can go back to school
My school year, so I'm a graduating student
My next school year, so I'm a grad student
My next school year, so I'm collecting data
My next school year, so I'm finishing up
My next year, so I can defend
My next year, so I'm a post-doc
My next year, so I'm a professor

My next year? So I have a stable job, rather than contractual?

Is that what I need to be happy?

Cut the crap, self. Yeah, I want the stable job, but it's just a detail. The big things will still be the same. I will still be me. I will probably still be going through the motions, shooting for something else that's just out of reach.

So the question, I guess, can I be basically happy the way my life is now? Yeah, there are a few tweaks in order, but they're really just tweaks. This is, more or less, the way things will be if I continue on my current route.

Something's missing, of that I'm sure. But maybe all it is is that sense of missingness that really is the human condition. Really, I've got things okay. Things could be better, but they could always be better, just like they could always be worse. Right now, life is okay.

I think.

If this is my career course (which it appears to be) and if this is my personal life (I have no reason to believe that will change, as it's always been pretty much the way it is now), then this is pretty much the way life will be until death or retirement changes it, unless I take some giant leaps to change it.  I don't see the giant leaps happening -- been there, done that, thankyouverymuch.

So, is this life okay? Is this purpose enough? Is my direction right? That is what I ponder, this day.

And we're off...

The semester has started and I'm still alive.  It's going to be an intense semester, but that horror and panic I was feeling a few days back? Completely unnecessary. Note to self: don't panic.

I'm still pondering, of course, whether this is really what I want to be doing. Honestly, it really is way too much teaching. It's never ending. I miss research. I really miss research. If I could be doing half this much teaching, it would be better. If I could be doing a third or a quarter as much teaching? That would be ideal.

I've heard so many criticisms of professors who don't care about teaching - why are they there, anyway? It's so unfair to the students! etc. etc. The thing is, the Ph.D. isn't for people who want to be teachers. It's for people who love research.  The only way a person embarks on a Ph.D. and gets through it successfully is if they love research. Then, you get to the end, and you discover that the only way you can get a job is if you spend 80% (90%, 99%) of your time teaching.

How do I get back to research?

Maybe I'm still panicking after all.  Maybe I need to get a little further into this semester and see where it leads. Maybe I'll adore my job once I'm more well prepared. Maybe......  Maybe a Ph.D. took way too many years to do just to end up with a job that's "maybe" okay.

Or maybe I'm just impossible to please.

Terror

A new semester starts tomorrow. Why do I feel terror?  I mean, last semester went well.  Yeah, it was intense, but I made it through, had good relationships with my students, had a bit of fun, and even got good evaluations.  I should be reassured and confident, no?  For whatever reason, NO.

What's different this semester? Well, I'm not nearly as well prepared. There just wasn't any time to build my new course. I have way more students than I did last semester. I have the looming "threat" of having to prepare job talks and find time to go do them.

But this semester I don't have the pressure of having to try to build next semester's course while giving courses at the same time. That's gotta count for something, no?

Or maybe I'll always feel like this at the beginning of a semester? I sure hope not. How much of this can a guy take?

Maybe it'll just be at the beginning of semesters with new courses. Maybe it'll fade. Or maybe it's that somewhere deep down I know this semester is going to be a total disaster.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Ugh.

Gearing up for semester #2

A month off between semesters - that'll give me time to finish preparing my courses. WHAT? Where the hell did my month go??

Between grading, finalizing last semester's courses, catching up on the thousands of things I had been putting off until December, taking one much-needed week off, and, oh yeah, applying for jobs, I barely touched my January courses. So here I am, just days away from a new semester, and my courses are a very shaky, very drafty, unfinished mess.

How am I going to do this?  I guess the old adage will have to apply - one day at a time.  Will I be able to do it and not burn out?

What happens when EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of the schools I applied to invite me out for a campus tour? How am I going to fit that into my schedule? Because y'all know it's going to happen, dear friends. Every.Single.One (in my dreams).  Seriously though, even one or two... I don't know how I'll do it while trying to paste together these courses at the last minute, as I go.

The good news is that last semester, although much of the time I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants, my students reported in my course evaluations that I was always prepared. Score. Idiots.

I don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I don't want to do this again. This is just too many courses to be preparing for the first time. I at least need some repeats. Right?

Or is this just the pre-semester panic talking?

*sigh*

I guess I have a couple months to figure it out. If things end up going better than I think they will, maybe I'll change my tune. If they're as bad as the currently feel like they will be.... non-academic job search??? Why does that still feel like such a cop-out?

One day at a time. I'm ready for Monday. I'm even ready for Tuesday. For now, that'll have to do.