This blog has been all about job talk, so I feel odd changing the channel. But here it is.
I've been in a relationship for over a year now. It's a good one. It helps confirm that leaving two-bit-town academia was the right thing to do. I'm better with him than I am without him.
But.
Why is there always a but?
He's an alcoholic.
I've googled this to death and I can see no good resolution. I want to find some iota of advice online that tells me how to stick with it, how to keep the good without drowning in the bad. I can't find any. Everything I read tells me to run for the hills.
Alcoholism is only one thing about him. There are so many more things. He's sweet, he's kind, he's loving, he's smart. He's a great companion. He makes me happy.
Except when I wake up in the morning to find him drinking and drunk. That's not okay. I can't handle that.
Is it a deal breaker? Part of me says yes. Part of me says no -- or wants to say no. A big part of me wants to figure out how I can learn to roll with it so it doesn't kill us. That part is putting the guilt on me for not dealing with it well -- and I know that guilt is classic in alcoholic relationships. I don't deserve that guilt.
But if it's what I have to live with to be with him?
I'm not a teatotaler. I drink. I drink more than I should. I drink WAY less than him. Guilt also comes in there though. I drink, so who am I to say he shouldn't. I drink with him. I drink more than I should. I sometimes get tipsy. I have fun with him when we're both drinking. But then I stop drinking. He keeps going (and going, and going). I feel guilty for drinking with him. I feel guilty for not being understanding enough. I feel guilty for not being good enough. I feel sad that I'm not more important to him than the booze. I feel angry that he won't do anything about it.
I want this to work out. We've got such a good thing going. Alcohol is the ONLY thing coming between us. Other than that, we're great together. We get each other. We belong together.
...but I CAN'T deal with him drunk in the morning.
What do I do, dear internet?
5 comments:
so what happened
zil..?
oh that is a hard one. What kind of a drunk is he? Mean and nasty, sloppy, fun? I think that would influence me the most. I feel like I should tell you to run fast and far but what do I know????
Sloppy and fun. Never even remotely mean. A very gentle man. And much of the drinking is due to chronic pain, which the booze relieves, so who am I to judge? It would feel very judgmental to drop him over it, and I don't want to drop him.
Occasional bad days I guess. I can tolerate the evening overindulgence most of the time... An ongoing struggle, it is.
I guess it's who he is... His drinking is like his nose, like it or don't. If he loves you, and comes to believe that he has to make a choice, he will initially forsake alcohol. But you and he will both know that "you made him do it". And then booze, The Other Woman as it were, will only be a short drive away at all times.
That said, some people are predisposed to drinking -- like me. If it doesn't make him a bad person, if it doesn't impact his life negatively, and if it doesn't make either of you not love each other fully, then you have found your soul mate. And so many people are envious!
Good luck, and Prosit!
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