It's party time. Registrations have ramped up, textbooks are stacked, students are sharpening their pencils, and the nerdy professor is in.
My courses are far more developed than I expected them to be at this point. I've worked a hell of a lot of hours over the past two months, but it was time well spent, as I now am feeling like I can do this. They're not completely complete, but honestly I'm about a day away from them being as complete as they really should be at this point. I want to leave myself a little wiggle room, just in case, but they're basically done.
So, if all goes well, I just might survive the fall semester. I might even survive the winter semester if I play my cards right. I haven't started prepping those courses yet, but the thing is, I already seem to be getting better at this. I'm building courses faster, making them more interactive, and fairly easily and substantially improving on the ones I developed only one short (long??) month ago.
I can do this.
I might even be able to do slightly more, and get in some *gasp* research this year. You know, the think I actually want to do most? Timelines are looking reasonable. I.Can.Do.This.
I'm giving myself a pep talk, it seems.
Is anyone out there? I know this is an invisible little blog where I talk into the void, but I'd love to connect with some other first year professors. Methinks a little forum search is in order. Surely there's an e-place for us.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Cautiously optimistic
A couple months into this whole backwards adventure, and I'm cautiously optimistic. That's good, right?
I mean, the two-bit town is what it is, but I'm finding a few little jewels in it. Amidst the grunge of it all, there are a few little diamonds around -- unpopular ones in these parts, but I'm okay with that.
As far as the professorship goes, it really is hard to tell on so many counts. I mean, school hasn't started yet. I haven't given a single class. All I've done is plug away at building my courses, alone in my little office in an abandoned building. But, although the number of hours I've been working is a little over the top, I don't dislike the work. It's kind of fun.
Part of it, though, is really, really, really good. Which part, you ask, dear Internet?
The "independent" part.
You see, they always talk in academia about getting to the end of the schooling bit and getting an independent position. That's what I've done. And, as it turns out, I was right on one count anyway. THIS is what I NEEDED. I had been crawling out of my skin through the Ph.D. and post-doc because I felt like I could do more, was ready for more, was being held back, was ready for independence.
Now, I'm just in the very early stages, but OH MY MYTHICAL DIETY, it feels so friggin' good to not be anyone's lackey anymore. I'm on my own, I answer to myself, nobody is looking over my shoulder. It's been two months and nobody knows if I've worked a day. I've worked WAY more hours than I ever would have worked if I had been on the clock, but it's okay, because it's my choice, it's my work, they're my courses. I'm not serving someone else.
Of course, you could argue that my pay stub still says a number of hours on it, which is way lower than the number actually worked, and that I do actually have a boss who will some day decide whether I stay or go, but it's just not the same as it used to be. I'm not going to go whining to the boss that I worked extra hours and can I please get paid (obviously I can't be - that's what salaried means), but I'm also not going to go groveling to my boss saying I worked extra hours last week so can I please leave early for an appointment on Friday. If I need to, I will, and it's nobody's business but my own.
Basics, perhaps, but it's been a long time coming and I've been so ready for it for so long. Basically, it feels like I finally, *FINALLY*, have an adult life. And it fits me quite fine.
I mean, the two-bit town is what it is, but I'm finding a few little jewels in it. Amidst the grunge of it all, there are a few little diamonds around -- unpopular ones in these parts, but I'm okay with that.
As far as the professorship goes, it really is hard to tell on so many counts. I mean, school hasn't started yet. I haven't given a single class. All I've done is plug away at building my courses, alone in my little office in an abandoned building. But, although the number of hours I've been working is a little over the top, I don't dislike the work. It's kind of fun.
Part of it, though, is really, really, really good. Which part, you ask, dear Internet?
The "independent" part.
You see, they always talk in academia about getting to the end of the schooling bit and getting an independent position. That's what I've done. And, as it turns out, I was right on one count anyway. THIS is what I NEEDED. I had been crawling out of my skin through the Ph.D. and post-doc because I felt like I could do more, was ready for more, was being held back, was ready for independence.
Now, I'm just in the very early stages, but OH MY MYTHICAL DIETY, it feels so friggin' good to not be anyone's lackey anymore. I'm on my own, I answer to myself, nobody is looking over my shoulder. It's been two months and nobody knows if I've worked a day. I've worked WAY more hours than I ever would have worked if I had been on the clock, but it's okay, because it's my choice, it's my work, they're my courses. I'm not serving someone else.
Of course, you could argue that my pay stub still says a number of hours on it, which is way lower than the number actually worked, and that I do actually have a boss who will some day decide whether I stay or go, but it's just not the same as it used to be. I'm not going to go whining to the boss that I worked extra hours and can I please get paid (obviously I can't be - that's what salaried means), but I'm also not going to go groveling to my boss saying I worked extra hours last week so can I please leave early for an appointment on Friday. If I need to, I will, and it's nobody's business but my own.
Basics, perhaps, but it's been a long time coming and I've been so ready for it for so long. Basically, it feels like I finally, *FINALLY*, have an adult life. And it fits me quite fine.
Monday, August 5, 2013
On the power and freedom... and responsibility of teaching
Here I am, Professor Zil, developing undergrad courses. Of course, I've never really done this before, so I have no clue what I'm doing. But, dammit, it can be fun.
Through our doctoral studies, we push one very well-defined topic to its extreme, taking it apart and looking at it in its finest detail. Interesting enough, to be sure, but this is not what I originally fell in love with. Now, as I develop undergraduate courses, I'm getting back to the basics -- and, I'm rediscovering the material that I fell head-over-heels in love with in the first place.
It's more than that, though. I'm rediscovering that basic material, but I'm doing so in a context where I get to cherry pick. Yeah, there are some basics that really have to teach -- not because anyone is telling me I have to, but because I know that it's the foundation of the field and anyone with this degree should have certain knowledge.
In addition to those basics, though, there are so many other peripheral topics, or applications, or twists that I get to choose from. I get to pick what makes ME excited, and use it to teach new students what this field is all about.
I was just developing some tangential course material a few minutes back and it occurred to me: as I pick these topics that somehow define me, who I am, what I'm interested in, I'm creating the undergraduate experience and shaping the minds of a cohort of students. Of course, we know that in higher education every single degree is different. I've always known that it depends to some degree on what the students interests are -- what they choose for term papers, what they integrate and what their brains purge after each exam... but I guess it just occurred to me that their degree also depends quite profoundly on what I'M interested in.
That's kinda cool.
You see, there were things I had to sit through during my undergrad that I didn't particularly agree with. And I'm sure my students will listen to me ramble on about things they don't really believe in. But my courses will contain nothing that I don't agree with. I will purge the nasties from my curriculum and replace them with things that I learned and liked, or -- more excitingly -- things I never did hear about during my degree, but that I wish I had. I have the freedom and the power shape their vision of this discipline in the way I see it.
Of course, with great freedom comes great responsibility. I hope I can live up to the responsibility that has been bestowed upon me. I hope my additions make sense, my deletions don't detract from their foundation, and that somehow through my choices and my interests my students will discover whatever it is that gets them excited. I hope that in my courses they will find what they were looking --- but that somehow they also find at least a nugget of something they didn't even know they wanted.
Through our doctoral studies, we push one very well-defined topic to its extreme, taking it apart and looking at it in its finest detail. Interesting enough, to be sure, but this is not what I originally fell in love with. Now, as I develop undergraduate courses, I'm getting back to the basics -- and, I'm rediscovering the material that I fell head-over-heels in love with in the first place.
It's more than that, though. I'm rediscovering that basic material, but I'm doing so in a context where I get to cherry pick. Yeah, there are some basics that really have to teach -- not because anyone is telling me I have to, but because I know that it's the foundation of the field and anyone with this degree should have certain knowledge.
In addition to those basics, though, there are so many other peripheral topics, or applications, or twists that I get to choose from. I get to pick what makes ME excited, and use it to teach new students what this field is all about.
I was just developing some tangential course material a few minutes back and it occurred to me: as I pick these topics that somehow define me, who I am, what I'm interested in, I'm creating the undergraduate experience and shaping the minds of a cohort of students. Of course, we know that in higher education every single degree is different. I've always known that it depends to some degree on what the students interests are -- what they choose for term papers, what they integrate and what their brains purge after each exam... but I guess it just occurred to me that their degree also depends quite profoundly on what I'M interested in.
That's kinda cool.
You see, there were things I had to sit through during my undergrad that I didn't particularly agree with. And I'm sure my students will listen to me ramble on about things they don't really believe in. But my courses will contain nothing that I don't agree with. I will purge the nasties from my curriculum and replace them with things that I learned and liked, or -- more excitingly -- things I never did hear about during my degree, but that I wish I had. I have the freedom and the power shape their vision of this discipline in the way I see it.
Of course, with great freedom comes great responsibility. I hope I can live up to the responsibility that has been bestowed upon me. I hope my additions make sense, my deletions don't detract from their foundation, and that somehow through my choices and my interests my students will discover whatever it is that gets them excited. I hope that in my courses they will find what they were looking --- but that somehow they also find at least a nugget of something they didn't even know they wanted.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Week 1: Report
So, now I'm a professor.
I've spent a week as a professor. I want to track this experience, so that when I'm looking back and deciding if I want to continue to pursue the professor route, I'll have a clear picture of it all. And of course, for my couple of followers out there in the big wide world.
Well, there's certainly no catering going on. I remarked before how the other university I interviewed with catered me on a whole different level. I don't know how it would have been for me if I were starting there, but I suspect it would have been different. Here? Nothing. I basically went to work. The secretary gave me keys to my office. That's about it. I've been working alone in my office for the week.
The difference between now and a few weeks ago? Location (for the worse), focus of my energies (building courses instead of writing papers), the employee benefits (much better)... that's it. I'm still working alone in a little office. That'll change though, as the other staff comes back from vacation and, of course, when the students flood in.
Another difference is that there's nobody looking over my shoulder. I guess that's the "academic independence" thing. I mean, I have a boss, but it seems she'll only chime in at the very end, when they decide whether I did well enough to keep on staff or not. In the meantime, I am on my own. Sink or swim. I have wanted this for a long time, but it's still kinda frightening.
It did feel odd to walk into the professors' lounge. Even if I didn't actually talk to anyone (it was empty), walking into it and knowing I'm entitled to walk into it because I am a professor... kinda fun. Just walking the hallways too... there is something different about it. Walking around campus as a student and walking around campus as a professor, it just feels different. In a good way. I think.
If I allow myself to, I can feel very overwhelmed about the amount of work I have to do in the next month. It is a lot. And I'm completely on my own. I hope I can do this, but I just don't know.
I've spent a week as a professor. I want to track this experience, so that when I'm looking back and deciding if I want to continue to pursue the professor route, I'll have a clear picture of it all. And of course, for my couple of followers out there in the big wide world.
Well, there's certainly no catering going on. I remarked before how the other university I interviewed with catered me on a whole different level. I don't know how it would have been for me if I were starting there, but I suspect it would have been different. Here? Nothing. I basically went to work. The secretary gave me keys to my office. That's about it. I've been working alone in my office for the week.
The difference between now and a few weeks ago? Location (for the worse), focus of my energies (building courses instead of writing papers), the employee benefits (much better)... that's it. I'm still working alone in a little office. That'll change though, as the other staff comes back from vacation and, of course, when the students flood in.
Another difference is that there's nobody looking over my shoulder. I guess that's the "academic independence" thing. I mean, I have a boss, but it seems she'll only chime in at the very end, when they decide whether I did well enough to keep on staff or not. In the meantime, I am on my own. Sink or swim. I have wanted this for a long time, but it's still kinda frightening.
It did feel odd to walk into the professors' lounge. Even if I didn't actually talk to anyone (it was empty), walking into it and knowing I'm entitled to walk into it because I am a professor... kinda fun. Just walking the hallways too... there is something different about it. Walking around campus as a student and walking around campus as a professor, it just feels different. In a good way. I think.
If I allow myself to, I can feel very overwhelmed about the amount of work I have to do in the next month. It is a lot. And I'm completely on my own. I hope I can do this, but I just don't know.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Adding insult to injury
As I try to settle in to this two-horse town, strongly feeling, knowing??, that it was a wrong decision, an interesting job offer just appeared back in my old city.
Not just any job offer. It's the one I interviewed for in the winter -- the one that I didn't get strictly due to timing, they said. They needed me to start immediately, but I needed a couple months to finish what I was doing. Now, that position is open again.
It's the pretty job, one that makes me very excited, but that is NOT in academia. It's the very same job that, combined with the one I moved here for, caused me to start this blog. The whole debate that was wearing on me - academia or corporate... it's the corporate job. I would love to have done that job for a few years, then maybe (maybe) apply for an academic one down the road.
Part of me wants to apply for this job now. Did they call me and find my number disconnected? Did they mean it when they said they'd keep me on file? Did they mean it when they said it was just a timing thing, or were they talking out of their be-hinds? Would they hire me? Would they pay for my move back home?? How much would it cost me to bail on this job at the last minute?
But I'm already here. I have to give it a shot. Right? (Wrong?)
Ugh. Just ugh.
Not just any job offer. It's the one I interviewed for in the winter -- the one that I didn't get strictly due to timing, they said. They needed me to start immediately, but I needed a couple months to finish what I was doing. Now, that position is open again.
It's the pretty job, one that makes me very excited, but that is NOT in academia. It's the very same job that, combined with the one I moved here for, caused me to start this blog. The whole debate that was wearing on me - academia or corporate... it's the corporate job. I would love to have done that job for a few years, then maybe (maybe) apply for an academic one down the road.
Part of me wants to apply for this job now. Did they call me and find my number disconnected? Did they mean it when they said they'd keep me on file? Did they mean it when they said it was just a timing thing, or were they talking out of their be-hinds? Would they hire me? Would they pay for my move back home?? How much would it cost me to bail on this job at the last minute?
But I'm already here. I have to give it a shot. Right? (Wrong?)
Ugh. Just ugh.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
A City Girl in a Two-Horse Town
I've made the move - what
feels like the ultimate sacrifice for academia. I am now a city girl
residing in a two-horse town. It's an abandoned wasteland, really. At any
moment of any day, when ever I look around, I am constantly shocked by how few people
there are, by how many empty storefronts/buildings/units there
are... You know when you're on the very outskirts of the city, in a
semi-city, semi-industrial area that isn't fully developed and has lots of
empty space? That's what it feels like everywhere here. All.
The. Time.
Then, I see a few of the people I was missing. And again, I sigh. It seems that in this town, "high fashion" is to be dirty, ragged, and obese, while thinking you're a 19 year old model. I've never seen such raggy people in my life. I've never seen so many stained gray sweats in my life. Unkempt hair. Unshaven faces. Waistlines that surpassed "bulge" a good 150 lbs ago. Each of these issues on their own is not the end of the world, but when you put them all together... and dress it in short shorts and a skin-tight tank top... YUK.
I've also never seen so many bargain shops in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a bargain as much as the next guy. But the clearance rack at a dirty discount store is not exactly what I aspire to. Apparently it's the locals' idea of the ultimate shopping experience.
Every time I walk outside, I feel nauseated. Every. Single. Time. I try to seek out what passes for high class in this city. Starbucks. That's about it so far.
In this time of discovery of this dirty new world around me, one thing gives me solace. Oddly, it's the one thing that terrifies me most and that I had been avoiding: work. I'm terrified of this new professor position. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm overwhelmed by the textbooks full of material that I have a shaky hold on at best. But, when I settle down and start to develop one of my courses, I lose myself in it, and I feel myself again. I forget the grime that surrounds me and rediscover my love for my little (but quickly broadening) corner of academia. I am ME.
This, of course, does not bode well for my development of a social life. It does, though, hold promise for my professional development in the year to come.
Yes, year. Not years. This is a time-limited endeavor, y'all. This city girl won't last long in Grimeville.
Then, I see a few of the people I was missing. And again, I sigh. It seems that in this town, "high fashion" is to be dirty, ragged, and obese, while thinking you're a 19 year old model. I've never seen such raggy people in my life. I've never seen so many stained gray sweats in my life. Unkempt hair. Unshaven faces. Waistlines that surpassed "bulge" a good 150 lbs ago. Each of these issues on their own is not the end of the world, but when you put them all together... and dress it in short shorts and a skin-tight tank top... YUK.
I've also never seen so many bargain shops in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a bargain as much as the next guy. But the clearance rack at a dirty discount store is not exactly what I aspire to. Apparently it's the locals' idea of the ultimate shopping experience.
Every time I walk outside, I feel nauseated. Every. Single. Time. I try to seek out what passes for high class in this city. Starbucks. That's about it so far.
In this time of discovery of this dirty new world around me, one thing gives me solace. Oddly, it's the one thing that terrifies me most and that I had been avoiding: work. I'm terrified of this new professor position. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm overwhelmed by the textbooks full of material that I have a shaky hold on at best. But, when I settle down and start to develop one of my courses, I lose myself in it, and I feel myself again. I forget the grime that surrounds me and rediscover my love for my little (but quickly broadening) corner of academia. I am ME.
This, of course, does not bode well for my development of a social life. It does, though, hold promise for my professional development in the year to come.
Yes, year. Not years. This is a time-limited endeavor, y'all. This city girl won't last long in Grimeville.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sacrifice
How much should a person sacrifice for academia?
Years ago, when I went back to school, it was the right decision. But I had planned to go back for 2 years, not the better part of a decade. Once wrapped up in academia, where the prevailing attitude is that you either go all the way or you're a failure, I ended up going all the way. Parts of this are right for me. I can do it, intellectually, but oh what I have sacrificed to do it.
I have been a foreigner for most of my adult life. I know, a TON of people do it, living as a foreigner. But there's no denying it can be hard. Meeting people and developing a social life have never been my strong suits, even as a child. Living as an adult in a very homogeneous society where I'm an outsider, well... let's just say it wasn't great for my social life.
What does this have to do with my sacrifices for academia? I wanted to leave there for years. I wanted to leave before going back to school, but I decided to do it locally because it was "easier". I cringed, but I committed to those two years of education as an outsider. Then, somehow, I got sucked into the academic mindset and found myself doing a Ph.D., still locally, where I was an outsider in a homogeneous land where it is pretty much impossible to break into the social scene if you have an accent that marks you as hailing from more than about an hour and a half drive away.
At the end of the Ph.D., I finally jumped ship and moved to a city I love. My goal there, to get the rubber stamp on my Ph.D. (defend), get a stable job I enjoy, and start working on my social life -- start repairing some of the damage done by living for so many years as an outsider. It was going to finally be time to give some time to me.
Ha! I've been living in the city I love for two years now, but I've been applying for academic jobs across the country for half of that. Why? Somehow I guess I got sucked into the academic mindset again that says you have to go all the way or you're a failure. If you're not doing a traditional academic job, like a professorship, you're doing it wrong. So, here I am, doing it.
Sacrifice. I am sacrificing the city I love. I am sacrificing a city where I feel I could actually be at home. I am sacrificing the small gains I've made in my social life. I'm picking up, yet again, and going to a dirty two-horse town for a professor job. And, here's the real kicker, it's a temporary job. It's a contract, renewable, which means that I still can't settle down and feel stable, because I'll only be moving on again, but who knows when.
You know the stereotype? The gawky professor who's whole life revolves around work? Who has no friends, no family, no social life, but is married to his work? Turns out that's me.
Sacrifice, oh what I'm sacrificing for this job.
For the coming year, I'm scared. This city is SO not me. I know I will hate it, and I will hate the limbo caused by the temporary nature of the job. And I'm afraid that my hatred for the city will rub off. I don't know if I will love being a professor. If I don't love it, will that reaction be real, or will it be my hatred for the city rubbing off on the job? Will I ruin the whole professor stream for myself because I've accepted an offer from a two-bit school in a two-horse town? Is it even POSSIBLE for me to be happy in this job in this city?
I'm working prophylactically. I’m making a few decisions that are costly ones but that give me some shred of hope that I’ll be happy in this location. I don’t know if it’s enough. Ghad, I hope it is. I don’t know where I’m going, but I'm afraid for myself in the year ahead.
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