Cautiously optimistic

A couple months into this whole backwards adventure, and I'm cautiously optimistic. That's good, right?

I mean, the two-bit town is what it is, but I'm finding a few little jewels in it. Amidst the grunge of it all, there are a few little diamonds around -- unpopular ones in these parts, but I'm okay with that.

As far as the professorship goes, it really is hard to tell on so many counts. I mean, school hasn't started yet. I haven't given a single class. All I've done is plug away at building my courses, alone in my little office in an abandoned building. But, although the number of hours I've been working is a little over the top, I don't dislike the work. It's kind of fun.

Part of it, though, is really, really, really good. Which part, you ask, dear Internet?

The "independent" part.

You see, they always talk in academia about getting to the end of the schooling bit and getting an independent position. That's what I've done. And, as it turns out, I was right on one count anyway. THIS is what I NEEDED. I had been crawling out of my skin through the Ph.D. and post-doc because I felt like I could do more, was ready for more, was being held back, was ready for independence.

Now, I'm just in the very early stages, but OH MY MYTHICAL DIETY, it feels so friggin' good to not be anyone's lackey anymore. I'm on my own, I answer to myself, nobody is looking over my shoulder. It's been two months and nobody knows if I've worked a day. I've worked WAY more hours than I ever would have worked if I had been on the clock, but it's okay, because it's my choice, it's my work, they're my courses. I'm not serving someone else.

Of course, you could argue that my pay stub still says a number of hours on it, which is way lower than the number actually worked, and that I do actually have a boss who will some day decide whether I stay or go, but it's just not the same as it used to be. I'm not going to go whining to the boss that I worked extra hours and can I please get paid (obviously I can't be - that's what salaried means), but I'm also not going to go groveling to my boss saying I worked extra hours last week so can I please leave early for an appointment on Friday. If I need to, I will, and it's nobody's business but my own.

Basics, perhaps, but it's been a long time coming and I've been so ready for it for so long. Basically, it feels like I finally, *FINALLY*, have an adult life. And it fits me quite fine.