Sacrifice... and settling

Here I am, starting to wind down my first semester as a professor.  It has been a semester of ups and downs. I like what I do, although it doesn't have EVERYTHING I want in it. For the record, here's a list of the good and the bad:

The Good :

• I like working with young adults. I really like the age and the life stage.
• I've rediscovered some of the material that initially made me fall in love with my discipline.
• I like the independence, no boss lurking behind me and making sure I'm doing it his way.
• I actually do enjoy teaching - although tempered by the knowledge that my courses are all rough drafts at this time. 

The Bad :

• This city is an absolute shithole. Excuse my vulgarity, dear Internet, but there's really no other way to say it. 
• It's too much work. Completely overwhelming. The course load is nuts. I'm too old to work this hard.
• Courses are on 2 and 3 year rotation, so I would have brand new courses for semesters to come.
• I miss research.
• Of course, the kicker from the beginning, it's a contract position, so I have no life stability and don't know where I'll be in a year.

Now is time to send out a few applications for jobs next year, in case this one isn't renewed, or in case I can get something better. This process has me thinking.

What do I want?? I guess I want to keep The Good and minimize The Bad. But do I have to eliminate all of the bad?

As I've mentioned, this is a second career for me. I'm older than the average person in this position and age is playing a role. As I've mulled the situation over though, I realize I am willing to compromise. I will not go as far in this discipline as I would have if this were my first career and I were a good decade younger. I can accept that. But what does it mean, practically speaking? I guess it means I can (should) be more flexible on my Good and Bad list - be willing to give up some of the good to eliminate the worst of the bad, or deal with some of the bad to keep some of the good.

What am I willing to settle on?  I can see two directions from here.

1.  I leave academia and settle by taking a nice job outside of academia that uses my skills. I would lose the flexibility, the "prestige" within academia (which technically I don't care about, but I will be harshly judged by academics), the academic freedom and some of the respect I get with it. I would basically lose all of The Good.  I could eliminate much of the bad though - the ridiculous course load, the instability, the shitville residence, and if I play my cards right, the lack of research (although it wouldn't be independent research - I'd be serving someone else's will). And, once I leave academia, it's virtually impossible to get back in.

2. I find a stable academic job in a small university, where I can be stable more quickly than a big one, and settle into a predominantly teaching position with minimal research requirements. What do I keep?  All of The Good. What can I possibly eliminate in The Bad?  A) City. I might be able to swing something a little better than where I am now, but not a lot (can't get much worse). I won't be living where I want to live. B) Contract position: I will not apply for any more contract positions; tenure track or bust. C) Workload: small universities will have high workloads, but it doesn't have to be as bad as it is here, with the 2-3 year rotation on courses. Some of the workload can be managed in my own head, too. I need to learn to reject the pressure of it all. Of course, with that rejection, there would be the risk of not getting tenure, which would mean my "stable" job would really just be a five year contract. Am I willing to accept that? I don't know.

The biggest sore point in option 1 are losing freedom, working under someone else's orders, and the permanence of the decision. In option B, it's location and the possibility of it being temporary if I reject the intense pressure and insane workload.

What do I do....

For now, I guess I'm applying to a variety of academic jobs and keeping half an eye open for non academic ones. I won't rule out non-academic, but I think it would really have to be an amazing job for me to do it. For academic jobs, I will not accept a job in a city I hate. I will take the time to discover the city. Applying does not mean I have to accept it if it's offered. Submit applications, open doors, see where it goes.

Is it over yet???

It's still going...

But how is it going? Why, thank you for asking, dear Internet.

The term is advancing. I'm over the half way hump and staring down the end, although I still have quite a few weeks to go.  I'm tired, yes. I work a lot of hours, but I also seem to have developed a bit of an insomnia thing. I wake up about an hour after going to bed, and work starts circling through my head, so I toss and turn all night. That certainly doesn't help me be more productive...

I have to take a day off per week. I have to, because this city is so shitty that if I try to entertain myself for a day, I get bored, and then I'm ready to go back to work. That makes me more productive. It's hard to remember that though, when I have SO much work to do.

I'm plugging away at my weekly courses and trying to build courses for next semester, all while also building application packages for better jobs. Research? What research? Who has time for that?

My courses are going well. I'm pretty confident I'll get pretty good evaluations for a first year. Not perfect. I've had a few bad classes where I kind of dropped the ball. That is due to 1) insomnia and fatigue, 2) focusing too much on building my courses for next semester, so not preparing as much as I should for this semester. Yeah, gotta remember to focus on now, especially since THIS semester's evaluations are what will count for getting next year's job.

Do I love what I'm doing?

Well. There are aspects I like. I do like the students and the teaching. I have interesting material to teach (most days) and I like that I have the freedom to do it as I want to.

On the down side, it's way freaking too much work. I would like to have a job that I don't have to take home with me every single night and weekend. I would like to be able to just turn it off. But, that's not academia, apparently.  I do sometimes question my commitment. I really don't want to work THIS hard. Eventually it's supposed to get easier though, or so they say.

So, yeah. Nothing new to report. I'm just reporting on it anyway, for reference sake when I'm trying to figure out what's next.

G'nite, dear internet.

Here we go again...

Is it really time for this already?  I'm just a matter of weeks into the school year and I'm already preparing job applications for other cities.

Remember how disappointed I was that this was the job I ended up with? And that I was going to have to start looking again soon, since it was a contract position?  Well, soon is now.

So, as I figure out what I'm doing in round 2, I need to round up some of what I learned from last round of job applications and from my short couple of months in this position.

• Don't expect to hear from the bigwig universities.
• Do expect to possibly hear from some of the smaller ones or ones that feel like a really good fit.
• Don't bother applying to jobs that I have to twist my resume to sort of fit.
• If I get to the interview stage, ASK what the teaching load is. This is very important. If the quantity is too high, then their concern with quality is low. And I will suffer.
• Don't panic if I don't get something right away. Contract positions do pop up quite late in the game. 

I dunno. That's not much. But I do feel like I have a better idea of what I'm looking for this year. I also know that my candidacy is stronger this year -- not night and day stronger, but stronger.

To be honest, I don't have time for this. Preparing academic job applications is a full time job. But I have to do it. Am I too naive to hope that my next position will be THE position? The one I'll stay at? The city I'll make my life in? Naive perhaps, but I have to hope. Hope is what's driving me forward.

Student Evaluations

Ghad, student evaluations suck. It's too early for formal evaluations. But by the time formal evaluations roll around, it's too late. So I did an early informal one myself.  Most of the responses are very positive -- not perfect, but certainly more than positive enough for me to keep my job.

Then there's that other one.

One student: crash. and. freaking. burn.

So, I've got one unidentified student sitting there in my (small) class hating every moment of it and hating ME. Yes, there were enough questions on there about the personal characteristics of the professor that the person actually does hate ME.

How do I go back in there and keep up my upbeat attitude?

This was supposed to be a little activity to reassure me that all was well. Yeah, of course I knew there could be problems, but I didn't expect an evaluation THAT bad. Seriously, folks, it's ALL bad and nothing but bad.

It's just one student. It's not a big deal. The majority was extremely positive. It's just one student. It's just one student. It's just one student.

But it feels like shit.

Cruising speed...

Or at least approaching cruising speed.  I'm a few weeks int. Things are going relatively well I, think.

-written Sept 24, published later

Exhausted... utterly

I'm only a few weeks in and I'm utterly exhausted already.

I work so many hours. I work so many days. But here I am on a Wednesday at home because I just couldn't do it anymore. I had no classes, but holy hell I have a lot to do. The irony is that there's nobody standing over my shoulder or even lurking around the corner assigning it to me. I just have to do it, is all.

I took on too much this month. I recognize that now. But what do I do? It's too late. I have two first-time courses (non-negotiable), manuscripts bouncing back for revision (non-negotiable), two conference presentations (could have avoided, but too late now), two courses to begin preparing for next semester (how long can I put it off without hanging myself in january?), two small grant applications (could have avoided in theory, but if I ever want a tenure track position, non-negotiable), and one job application so far (optional? not really, this is a contract position I'm on).

How does a person do all that?

And non-academic people say to me "you only teach six hours a week? that must be so nice!" Yeah. Piss off.

My stress level was so high this morning I was crawling out of my skin. I just had to bail. I took my textbook out and read it with lunch. Then came home. To work. Yeah. I want to sleep. How do I drag myself to my desk when I want to sleep so badly, and I've got these damned fluffy cats purring their hypnotics right in my ear?

That whole work-life balance thing, I need to figure it out. I'm perfectly happy with work being the focus right now, but there has to be enough life in there or I'm not effective at work.

I would be counting down the weekend, but when you have to work all weekend, what's the point?

So far, so... good?

Well, I haven't tripped and fallen on my face in class, or fainted, or belched, or done any other horribly embarrassing things. So, so far, so good, right?

How does it feel to be teaching again?  I don't know. I was up and down and all over the place this past week. I've had moments of feeling really good, like this is going so well and I am going to love it. I've had moments of feeling depressed and thinking about that non-academic job I was considering. So, I guess I just don't know.

I had sort of forgotten how "switched on" the brain gets when teaching. It's hard to come down afterwards. I don't like the "always on" feeling. I suppose I'll get used to it though. I remember it from my old teaching days long ago, but it didn't seem as disturbing, although I spent a lot more hours in class.

I also have moments of stress about all that I'm "supposed" to be doing. Teaching, yeah, but the whole professor thing - research, community service. I can't seem to get myself geared up to do that at all. I guess that's okay for now since I'm heavily invested in building my courses. Still, though, it's another layer of "always on" that I haven't reached yet.

I don't know, I just don't know.......